How Heroes Are Made

There once was a woman, and she was once miserable. Her lover did not seem to love her anymore, though she could not say why. He had been distant and cold for some weeks, and she feared that this spelled the end for them.

Not one to give up easily, however, she began to dote on him with gifts and favors and sweetness, redoubling her efforts to be kind and caring toward him, hoping she could turn the tide of his affections. Of course, she could not know that his affections were not simply seeping away from her, but seeping toward another woman, and that the tide had been coming in on that woman's shores for some time now.

So when our woman woke up one morning to a sunlight-splattered bedroom, completely unaware that an infidel lay beside her, she began her sweetness toward him once again. She rolled over and kissed his shoulder. She breathed deeply of his scent and inhaled, unbeknownst to her, the skin cells of the other woman, who had lain her head on that very shoulder only the night before.

And so, with the irritation of these cells in her nostrils, a sneeze was born. It was only the tiniest tingle at first, the easiest thing in the world to resist as the woman crawled further over her lover to wake him with a kiss. But all in the span of that single second, council was being held in her brain.

The bodily impulses, all of them, were having a meeting.

"I have a proposition," said Sneeze, newcomer that it was. "I believe we can save this woman, and now. We can end this relationship and send her on her way to a new one. A better one. But I need your help to do it."

Among the panel of shadowed onlookers, someone cleared their throat.

"Oh?" said Cough, "and what did you have in mind?"

The sneeze explained it's plan.

Immediately, there was an uproar of dissent. "That's ridiculous!" yelled Hiccup. "She would never recover."

"What gives you the right?" said Scratch.

Even Twitch joined in, "Foolhardy!"

A hand was raised and all fell silent. From a corner where dark, smothering fumes obscured the light, the most powerful and terrible amongst them spoke: "Let us hear the sneeze's argument before we make our judgments," said Fart.

Sneeze nodded, thankful for the chance, gathered itself and continued, "This woman deserves better, do you not agree?"

There were disgruntled sighs from most, but nevertheless all heads nodded.

"And do you agree that there are, currently, men in her life with whom she would do much better?"

More nods.

"Then, the fact remains," the Sneeze grasped its hands behind its back and began pacing the room for gravitas, "that this woman is not likely to make the right choice for herself. At least not anytime soon. And we are uniquely positioned, at this moment, to be able to make that choice for her. Is it a risk? Yes. Will she hate us for it? Certainly." Then he looked up, and stared solemnly into the eyes of his audience. "But heroes aren't made by seeking out approval. They are made by doing what is right.

"Now, you all know, regardless of whether you admit it, that it is right that she should move on. She needs to take that chance... and we need to take it with her. I will do the hardest part, but I cannot do it alone. I need your help if I am to succeed."

The Sneeze allowed for a long, dignified pause. "Are there any among you who will do what is hard and what is right? Will you join me?"

Silence stretched on as those present thought, but the milliseconds were passing, and they were running out of time. The sneeze simply could not wait.

"I ask for an answer," it called out with urgency. "Who will stand with me?"

*****

Moments later, as her lips were lightly pressed to her lover's mouth and his eyes were beginning to flutter open, a wave of impulses assailed her like never before. She had always had strong mental barriers to these nuisances, built up by practicing good manners over many years, but never before in all her life had she needed to sneeze, burp, cough, twitch, hiccup, scratch, and fart all at the same time. It was simply too much, and the sneeze was so strong.

The sneeze came first. With a sudden scream like a battle cry, she spewed gobs of mucus straight into the sleepy eyes of the cheating man beneath her, making him splutter fully awake.

The woman, so shocked by the horror of what she had just done, allowed her other mental barriers to drop as well, and she convulsed on the spot with a barrage of unmentionables. She coughed and burped, and twisted with a twitch and scratch. An audible flatulence filled the room with its sound and smell.

Before she could say anything in explanation, the man was up and running out the door. She cried out for him, apologizing, but still lay there in bed until the wave of impulses had ceased. Never before had she been so ashamed and so horrified.

She did not see that man again.

*****

Years later, and now in the arms of her husband, the woman was happy and in love once again. This man was good and loyal and cared for her deeply.

Yet, she still hated sneezing. In fact, she hated it most of all the impulses, and she shuddered every time she thought of that awful moment from years before. She would never think to be grateful for that moment, not for the way it changed her life, and certainly not for the things that had caused it.

But heroes aren't made by seeking approval. The world was a better place, and that was enough. The Sneeze's work here was done.