I've been sitting in front of the laptop for hours at my dorm, writing an essay about the video I just watched. It's related to the subject I would take next semester. Ngayon pa lang, nag-aadvance reading na ako at iniintindi 'yung content ng future lessons naming posibleng maituro. To really understand and remember the key points, of course I have to make my own summary.
Christmas break na rin pero ito pa rin ang pinili kong gawin. What was I made for if I won't do my best?
Besides, learning doesn't feel like a chore. Reading, writing, discovering new things... this already feel like breathing to me ever since I started taking my studies seriously.
Are you doing this out of pure enjoyment or are you just compromising because you weren't born naturally good at things? I accidentally typed my most inner thoughts while revising my essay. I sighed. I guess I'm tired from writing almost five hundred words.
There's this critical voice in my mind that kept me on chokehold, telling I have to do more... to exert more effort to improve myself everyday to the point that it's unfortunate because I would always feel like all the best I've done never mattered. When in fact, I was consistent with my growth and successes all throughout despite the struggles.
Being a dreamer has its burdens. Even though you're already doing good, somehow you still cannot be satisfied. There's always this thirst to quench that I cannot remove unless I learn something new or earn another award just to be validated. On the brighter side of things, I tried to be optimistic about it.
I put on my headphones, browsed for feel-good songs on Spotify, and played some of the most popular ones. The good energy resonated through the beats and seeped into me. Why am I even hard on myself? I'm already doing my best! Or even if I'm not at my best, it's already enough that I'm doing something for myself.
"To exist is enough." I read the message I wrote to myself. Nakalagay 'yon sa sticky note na dinikit ko sa dingding. It's a gentle reminder whenever I feel like sinking into the depth of my unkind thoughts.
I grew up in a household where there's nothing but love and support. Even someone like Ven Enesco who's still a stranger to me realized that I'm doing a good job. Kailanma'y hindi rin ako pinuna ng magulang ko na wala akong achievements noon o hindi ako kagalingang estudyante. So I don't see a reason why I have to beat up myself so hard, especially that I already compromised to my past faults.
Marami na akong naibawi ngayong kolehiyo. Minsan, ako lang din talaga 'yung nagdadala ng pressure sa sarili ko. I have to remind myself that this is so unnecessary to do. There should be nothing else but all love here.
Since I was productive with writing my personal essay and packing my things for going back to our province, there's nothing left to do but enjoy my day today. Today's the last day of the first semester!
I'm excited because there will be a bazaar in our university. Mayroon ding year-end celebration na naihanda 'yung class officers namin. Sa gabi naman, magpapailaw sila ng Christmas tree pero hindi ako sigurado kung makakatagal pa ako nang ganoong oras. Diretso uwi na ako mamaya sa Laguna, bitbit na ang mga gamit.
My family insisted to fetch me but I declined. I wanted to stand on my own as much as possible. I was a sheltered kid that's why I didn't get the chance to experience many things. Kaya ang laking achievement na sa'kin noong natuto akong sumakay through public transportation! Ngayong college ko lang din natutunan mag-commute.
Ang saya ring sumakay sa mga traditional jeepney. I made a lot of good memories there as a commuter kahit noong una napuna 'yung way of pag-para ko. I remembered saying 'My destination's here na, Manong' and there was dead air... Regardless, I enjoyed the experience. It's so fun din dahil kung sino-sinong pasahero rin ang nakausap ko, para ko tuloy na-practice 'yong pagiging journalist though it's not a professional interview.
