Bumalik ulit ako sa pwesto ko sa harap ng laptop nang buksan ang regalo. Cold as a corpse, my hands were trembling when I opened them.
The package left me speechless. Ven gave me an emotional support crochet he made himself. Knowing how meticulous and sentimental he is, guaranteed that he was the one who wrapped the present and customized it as well. He adds his personal touch to every gift to make it more memorable.
Guaranteed, it's made with love, filled with everything that I like. The bear was in a porcelain white color, my favorite, with a glossy texture. The crocheted bear was reading a book, too, and I adored that detail so much since I love books. It smells heavenly with a mix of strawberries and the clean notes of his lavish perfume.
There's also a typewritten letter attached, a longer one.
Esra, my love, not being with you is my greatest pain.
I want to bring you food. I want to ask you out on dates. I want to be next to you. I want to share about my days and listen to yours. I want to hold your hand. I want to see you. I just want to see you so bad. I'm having a hard time 'cause I need you here. I don't mind if you'll treat me coldly. Just let me bring you some food, please? Or vitamins? Anything that you need? Tell me, okay? Always tell me how to make everything easier for you.
If only I could give my soul to this teddy bear as long as you allow me to, I'll do it. I want my presence to heal you. I'll always be your support system even though you distance yourself many times from me. It's been months, love. It's difficult for me, too. I had my worst moments while you were not around, but giving up is the last thing that's on my mind.
I love you, that's enough reason.
Every time I find myself missing you, I make myself busy by learning how to crochet. I let out all of my yearning by making this. Since you don't want my presence, for now, I thought of something that can accompany you. This teddy bear will serve as your guardian angel, my love.
Every time you feel lonely, please think of this teddy bear as your instrument of healing. Every time that you're hard on yourself, remember that something as soft as this still exists. Take care of it well as it will take care of you. Do the best for yourself, alright? Promise me that you'll always be in your best state. That's all I wanted.
You told me that you're always doing fine and I believe in your word. You're the strongest person I know, Esra. But, please, give me more assurance. It's impossible to be okay when I feel like you're drifting away. Despite of everything, I'm always here rooting for you. I believe in you. You can take all the time you want to rest, but remember that I'm here. I'll always be here.
Love, you're my strongest person.
Be gentle with yourself.
Yours forever,
Ven
I didn't notice that I was already crying hard. The tears kept falling but I remained empty from within. I've been alone for months, and I still choose to be alone again regardless of the support I get. It's just so hard to be with people, especially with the good ones. I can't bear to be a burden to someone's life, so it's better to cut things off—to save them from my wretchedness. I don't deserve the love... the humanity... this life. I truly don't understand why I'm loved like this.
I remembered Ven's reasons on why he fell in love with me. He told me I was gentle, that I was sweet, the most soft-hearted person he knew, but if that's the truth... how can I easily throw things away like it's nothing? I've already neglected my mind, body, and soul. I have forgotten how to live in the present and to stay longer for the future. Where is that love and sweetness in me that he speaks of?
I know... and I'm certain it's no longer alive.
He said if only I could see myself from his perspective, I'd be proud of myself, too. But no, he wouldn't understand. Every time I remember that I'm me, I dream of dissolving into nothing. I'm already far from the girl he fell in love with. She's a mere concept while I'm the truth, the painful truth.
He's just saying that because of his feelings, that he chose to see the good in me. But if he really knows who I am, the real me, he'll resent me as well. The world will shut its way so I won't come in. But I totally understand, I'm well aware of how hopeless I became.
Nawala ang atensyon ko sa regalo no'ng may panibagong e-mail ulit ang dumating sa inbox. Overwhelmed by my emotions, I opened it this time, ignoring anything else. I still felt like I'm floating, empty, lost in thought, but the familiar pain and guilt that I was trying to avoid easily came back to haunt me when it was from my mother.
The ache intensified, transcending all forms of feeling. I'm in my most vulnerable state when it comes to my family.
Esmeralda Ayson <esmeralda_ayson@gmail.com>
Esra, what happened? Hindi ka namin makontak ng Dad mo sa phone. Pls reply. We're informed na rin about your work. Uwi ka muna sa bahay
Magagawan lagi ng paraan ha. Nakasuporta kami sayo palagi. Nag-aalala din friends mo sayo, gusto kang bisitahin pero di namin alam kung san ka
There's always a solution to everything! Don't forget to pray also
We're always here for you. All love, my Esra
I clenched my fists, breathing hard. The tears won't stop falling. I don't know why it hurts so much when I should be relieved. People are so good to me, so tender, but I still can't understand why I am loved this much. What part of me is there to treasure? I'm so lost.
Instead of going home, I feel like drifting more far away.
