I still can't process that my life had to end up like this. It was a blur. The time moved so quickly that I couldn't keep up with it. But it's clear to me that I abandoned dream after dream. It started with disregarding a small goal, not meeting a demand, until my path had turned into a spiral.
I have so many dreams for myself. I have so many plans that I want to make with people. But what happened to the promises I kept? To the vision I created?
Sadly, I'm also the one who destroyed it.
My younger self will never accept me as her future once she finds out what I'm going through right now.
She will passionately build her reality... while I'm just here. She will seek anything under the sun, while I'm already six feet under given that I'm still breathing.
Me and her, we're from different worlds even though we live in the same body.
Simply walking to my condo felt like a chore. Gusto ko na lang itulog ang mga pangyayari ngayon kahit pakiramdam ko'y hindi dapat ako magpahinga. I didn't show up and took my rest for months, so what's different now?
Maybe it's the guilt talking. The irony of feeling guilty while I'm self-aware that I'm giving in to my lapses and indulgent lifestyle. I'm all wide awake and sober as I ruin my life, so why am I struck by guilt at this point?
When my family and friends were desperate to know about my state, I avoided them at all costs, giving excuses. I'm doing everything but making my life better. What I gave out were simple replies and updates, telling how busy I am with work, with Ven, with my routine, and the hobbies I do; sweet lies for them to be secured with the illusion that I am well. At this point, I'm more comfortable with watching how things fall apart than to get help.
The truth is, I spent my time cramming my workloads, and they piled up tremendously until I didn't do them anymore. I couldn't. It was too much to manage.
I'm afraid everything is falling behind, but I can't even try. The endless exhaustion and pressure caused me not to show up at work. Besides that, I'm consumed by my anxiety, fearful of being scrutinized.
I don't even want to do anything anymore. It was too overwhelming to function. I just want to be a ghost in everybody's life instead of being seen as a failure.
Running away from it all, I distracted myself with the things I enjoyed momentarily. I was an avid reader so I consumed tons of selected media to help me forget. I'm also a writer so I vomited all the words and threw them away to the void, it wasn't written to be published, I only created stuff to waste time, to make myself breathe for a moment.
But I wasn't as determined as before. Compared to now, it's easier in the past because writing felt more natural to me... creating... living. I was more passionate and inspired and proud of myself. Right now, I feel like I'm here just to become nothing.
To escape, I took myself out on dates, too. I've always enjoyed café-hopping so I splurged my money on trying out new things on the menu. Also splurged my self-earned and parents' money on online shopping until it deteriorated. This is how I took care of myself; to live in indulgence as I avoid my responsibilities; to detach as I find freedom in hedonism. Obviously, this is a form of self-sabotage, but I can't seem to break the pattern when this already became my comfort. It was unnecessary and a waste of time. I didn't make any good memories, and I was unproductive as expected.
In my head, I know I needed to do something; something spontaneous, experimental, nerve-wracking, creative, life-changing, productive, renewing, different, different to the point that I won't recognize myself, whatever it may be. I just needed to move so I could prevent myself from going extinct with my stagnant way of living. I just need to live. I just need to be.
But I kept relapsing; I kept making it as my rebirth.
Until I'm completely gone.
I'm already a lost cause.
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Nagising ako sa tawag ng telepono. I woke up sitting in front of my laptop with the unchecked e-mails from my inbox. I grabbed the telephone, answered with a weary voice, and the receptionist told me that Ven had left something outside my door. My empty heart was revived. Hearing his name brought me back to life.
She explained that Ven didn't want to disturb me, so after he delivered his package, he left immediately. The rush of energy that was non-existent these days returned in an instant. Opening the door, there was a big present with a pretty, fragile-looking bow on top that made its way to my doormat. A small note was attached to it, and it was typewritten.
I read it, and I felt like I was being hugged and suffocated at the same time. My inevitable tears welcomed his gift.
My love,
I know you're being hard on yourself, so I made something gentle for you.
Yours forever,
Ven
