Royally Trapped | ✓

16 | strong decisions

His demeanour was frigid than the air, colder than the torrents that were sharp enough to pierce me.

It feels bad. It feels wrong. His behaviour created a gaping wound, so deep and painful it hasn't stopped bleeding ever since.

At the registrar, we had slid the rings into each other's fingers and exchanged garlands, with our parents delightedly clapping at the union. I had faked all my smiles but he didn't even care to nod or acknowledge. His face remained bland. It mirrored nothing, no joy but no sadness either.

After the officiation, we took blessings from all the elders. They planned to go out for lunch, wanting to celebrate us. My mother had stepped in then, and asked them to let the newlyweds go and settle.

Kabir and I had awkwardly entered the same car in front of our families but no words were exchanged between us. He dropped me off at home and left for the office. There were no questions raised about me coming to the office or about my unplanned leave. Things just kept happening.

The car ride we had shared was quieter than a library handled by the meanest librarian, so much so that it was deafening.

I wasn't even tempted to quarrel or demand answers. I was exhausted and felt tired. Just plain empty. I had walked in, took an elevator to our floor and stood at the same spot I am standing at now.

That time I had two options to choose from. It was confusing and it's even silly that I even considered them as choices. Kabir never asked me to move into his house and never said if he wanted to shift to mine.

If he did want me to relocate, he would have given me a hint. Even though I knew the password to his lock and could have gone in, it seemed incorrect.

If I had taken that call, and committed the error of entering his house, I would have made a fool out of myself, or wait even worse, I would have compromised on my self-respect. It was even mulish to even allow that thought in my head.

His way of behaving is an answer itself.

So, in the afternoon I made the right decision and entered the code to my house. Just like I do now.

I close the door behind me, sauntering aimlessly into a home that now feels like a trap. It's my home but today it feels like a cage. One who is mocking me, one who knows that no matter how hard and fast I flap my wings, there's no escape for me.

Something is pinching me, irking me, twisting and slitting me.

I am stuck here. The cage and my thoughts. My mind's muddled with insecurities bustling and doubts creeping.

I have considered more than a thousand options. Perhaps he felt like he was misleading me. He might have thought that it was inappropriate or would make things more complicated. Or maybe he wasn't fully aware of what he was doing and acted impulsively in the heat of the moment.

I have no issue in accepting all his silly reasonings but what I vigorously refuse is to allow him to project that confusion and anger at me. I am no one's punching bag.

He is treating me as if I was the one who pushed him against the car hood and made him feel things against his wishes. He is behaving as if I had taken advantage of his superior self.

We have always bickered and we moved on. That's how we always handled our fights but this time I absolutely disapprove of being treated like a tissue that he thinks he could use and throw away, as per his own damned wishes.