𝟑𝟕 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬

Part 1

Dear diary, Today is my 16th birthday, and I have zero idea how I made it to 16. I've seen so little of the world, but yet I know so much at the same time.
People say being 16 is the best years of your life, but honestly, I don't even feel any different. I don't feel anything. I try reaching out, but people tell me that it's the teenage hormones messing around with me and that it will eventually pass.
I don't want to communicate any more; being silent keeps you out of trouble; I feel ignored even though I don't want to communicate, and I will most likely seem like an attention seeker when I do reach out, so at this point, I've just given up trying to give signs to people to help me; I'm rolling out the hard way; I don't give a shit anymore.
Plus, eventually, if they do listen, it's doctors and police. Who wants to be caught up in all that in any way?
I've chosen to mostly hide at home. I'm scared to go outside because of everything I hear. My room is a safe place. I don't go to school either; I stopped going to school a long time ago. I didn't stop; I got kicked out. I was doing online schooling. We couldn't pay the bills. Ever since then, I've been stuck in my room, and it's more comfortable than being stuck out there in the world.
I find comfort in my room; I'd rather be stuck here, so there is no reason to leave. I don't know what the future holds for me because, without an education, what am I? Nobody would want to hire someone without an education, and honestly, that's understandable; you wouldn't want to hire anybody that would put the company at a slight disadvantage.

I can't leave the house either with the crime, so there's that as well. I don't have school, friends, or family members that invite me. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable around me because it upsets me; even if they feel comfortable, I would still be uncomfortable because I don't know who they truly are or the thoughts that go on in their heads. Even if a person has known me for months, I can't say anything. Anything I do eventually say can affect them in some way or form. I feel this constant struggle within me—a feeling of nothingness yet everything but nothing at the same time. How do I explain that to somebody? I don't even know what I'm feeling. How am I supposed to explain that to anyone? So yes, I would rather enjoy my company than feel uncomfortable around people or make people uncomfortable. But I want to get out and do stuff. I want to see the world out there and the beautiful side of it. The sad part is that you can only be 16 once, and once it's over, it's over. You can't go back in time after all. "Memories are permanent, and consciences are temporary." I want to live and thrive on that quote. But it's dangerous for me to adventure off alone out there.  For the most part, I'm luckily going to eventually go to the UK, but that might take longer than expected. Honestly, it's because we didn't do the documentation correctly; the solicitor gave my family not all the right documents and information. It can take up to 12 months. I'm taking it smoothly, or I'm just telling myself that so I can feel better about the situation. I'm imagining it. Like an extremely long vacation, because in the UK I'll start at a college, I'll be able to change my life, I'll be free, it's like a hole new fresh start, it's an opportunity not many people have, and I'm more than grateful. I'm going to try my hardest to study to the best of my capabilities and try to improve my future since not many have the opportunity to do so in this world, and I'm very grateful for such an opportunity.
I don't want to fail and struggle in life because it feels as if all there has been is struggle. Today is my birthday, and I shouldn't even be thinking about this. I'm treating it like any other day; birthdays don't even feel the same anymore. There's no more fun at birthday parties. Just another year closer to your grave.

This world is full of horrible people for a 16-year-old girl. The way old men look at you makes you sick to your stomach. You just freeze because you don't really expect it from someone you trust or someone of that age; they try to manipulate you too. Trust is a hurtful thing because no matter how many times you trust someone, it just gets broken eventually, or you end up hurt and feel betrayed, and that's a cycle. It's honestly sickening to see what humanity has become. You can't trust anyone. That trust gets broken so easily, and you just fall into this constant loop; eventually, you stop trusting people completely. 
Even if I solve it, it will never be the same no matter how much you try to fix it; it will never be the same again, so it's best to just leave. I just wanted to be treated normally, like a human, but nobody was there to do that, so at least I try to treat myself as a human. Sometimes I fail, but I stand right back up after a few weeks and ignore everything, and I build up the emotions until I just eventually explode. You hurt yourself and the people around you. It affects you, but you have no memory of it. People out there would hurt you; they wouldn't even care if they hurt you.
Being at home is the safest option for me. Yeah, I'm missing out on a lot. The world offers glorious things. I'm honestly protecting myself from the world out there. I'll most likely regret it a lot when I get older. Time is flying by faster with every year to come, so it will probably be soon. You can't stop time either, which is the scary part. Time is flying by faster with every year to come, so it will probably be soon. You can't stop time either, which is the scary part. But for the most part, I feel happy. I can get over it, right? It's not the end of the world. Other people have it way worse than me after all. I should not be complaining at all

(I'll write more tomorrow.)
- Fixed it up a bit.