Stockholm

Chapter 25

I ring Lorna's doorbell. Stuffing my hands into my pockets as I wait. I know the chances that she leaves me on the porch are high. I've already decided I'll wait. I'll wait all night. I'll wait until she has to leave for work, forced to exit her door and run into me.

There's a cool breeze compared to the heat of Nashville that lingered as I left and I welcome it. It's refreshing, calming, soothing as I stand on her porch and look toward the sky. The city lights drown out the stars and I wonder if Chloe is looking at the sky. What it looks like for her.

I wonder too, if she's read my note. If she recognizes herself in the little girl with the chocolate covered face. If she's looked up my name. If she's learned what happened to dad. I wonder if she's punched my number into her phone, finger poised and hesitating over the call button. If she'll ever call me back.

The lock on the door clunks, the door cracking open. Lorna pokes her head out, hair a mess and disheveled with sleep.

"Kyle?"

"Hey." I don't know what to say. "Can I come in?"

She hesitates, staring at me as she mulls over her decision.

"Please." I beg.

She blows out a breath and opens the door wide and as I step through I make sure to lock it before I push it into place behind me.

"It's late Kyle." She tells me.

"I know, I just had to see you."

I can't tell if she's mad, if she hates me or if she's just over me completely. There's a guarded way about her and I can't tell if she's holding back or just indifferent.

"I'm sorry Lorna. I never meant to hurt you, or make you feel like I didn't trust you." For the second time tonight I feel my composure want to break and Lorna's features go blurry. "I can't lose you too."

"I don't understand why you didn't tell me?" She wraps her robe tighter around her body. Sealed off and distant.

"I didn't realize what I was doing." I shake my head, frustrated with myself because I know I'm not explaining it right but I can't figure out how to. "It's just been Wyatt for so long and he knows. He was there for all of it. And I forgot. I forgot how..how to..." the tears finally force their way out, falling down my face and I wipe at them roughly. "I found her Lorna."

She doesn't move from where we stand opposing each other. The distance is palpable and it hurts.

Today has hurt.

"She's beautiful. She's grown. She's happy." My voice distorts and I choke back sobs, years of grief welling up inside me before it bursts out. Demanding to be felt after all the years I've spent swallowing it down. And as I let myself be consumed by it I tell Lorna how I didn't stay, how I left a note and in a moment of some extreme moral high road I left the ball in her court. How I still don't have her back.

I'm crumbling apart right there in her living room and just when I'm about to completely give up, that I have nothing left to give her and it's still not enough she hugs me. Pulling me close until I can feel her heartbeat against mine, her fingers slipping into my hair, drawing me closer, allowing me to sink into her, rest on her support.

"I'll do better Lorna. Please." I cling to her, her robe tangled in my fingers as I squeeze out any air that may linger between us. "Don't leave me."

"I love you Kyle." She whispers the words in my ear, her voice filled with emotions, making her declaration that much more real.

I can't get words out through my sobs, my breathing labored. But I tighten my arms around her, burying my face deeper into her hair.

"Come on." She says quietly, her hands rubbing up and down my back. "Let's lay down. It's been a long day."

Nodding, I'm relieved. But I'm more than that. It's everything. All of it coming to a head. It's years of pain and guilt and suffering, the what could have beens, the what could still be. It's scary, I know all to well the pain life likes to dole out.

Lorna unfolds herself from me, lacing her fingers with mine as she leads me through her small house and into her room. There's a nightlight, plugged in by her basket of clean folded laundry, casting soft shadows through the room. The damn thing gets me going again.

"You bought a light." I mumbled.

She glances at it as she undoes my belt and the button on my jeans. They fall to the floor and I step out. "Yeah. Isn't as annoying as I thought it'd be."

A small laugh blows out of me as I sniffle through my nose. "Thank you."

I know it's just a night light but it feels like a grand gesture.

"Come to bed Kyle." She says as she climbs into her bed, covers drawn and room left for me.

I follow her, sinking down into the spot beside her, drawing her close. My eyes are heavy, body welcoming the reprieve of stillness and as Lorna runs her hands through my hair, I let myself succumb to sleep.