Desirable (mxm)

forty-eight; go and live

It hurts. This hurts. I wanted to die.

My entire body shakes at the thought of Nate not being able to resuscitate me. Finding me here long dead and not being able to do a single thing about it. The pain. The agony. The heartbreak.

I'm leaking tears now, despite the fact my body is severely dehydrated.

"H-How did you find me?"

"Apollo said you left the party with Henry," he states and the sound of his name makes me internally flinch. "So I found Henry, I demanded where you were. He's probably going to be on the floor for some time."

The way Nate's jaw clicks proves that he's been through a lot of shit these last few days, even the bags under his eyes. He almost looks as bad as I do–I already know I look like a sack of shit. Henry buried me fucking alive.

I attempt to dampen my throat to ask my next question. "Did you think I–"

"Milo," Nate clenches his eyes shut as if he's in pain.

"Did you think I slept with someone?" I whisper through my tears.

When Nate doesn't say anything right away, my chest concaves. He avoids my gaze for a moment as if he has to think about the question. If he went to see Apollo, then he must have known I went to his house that night. But I didn't care about the party, I wasn't there for that. I needed a friend, the only other person who might understand.

Except Henry got in the way and I shouldn't have downed drink after drink to push my intruding thoughts away. I'll never forget what Everett said to me. It breaks me down every time I think back to it.

How can my own brother say such horrid things? I thought he wanted to support me.

Instead he shattered my hope to pieces.

Nate's eyes are stained and my heart pounds inside my chest. I know I was in a bad way when I turned up at his house but even if my addiction wanted me to sleep with someone else, I physically won't be able to do it with anyone who isn't Nate. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

At the time all I wanted was Nate and I hurt him. At that moment Everett's words settled into my veins and all I could think about was ruining him, bringing him down with my baggage. I had to get out of there.

"I-I don't know," Nate admits after an eternity.

His words shake my world in a way that makes me want to shed my skin. I feel like dying all over again because this will always be me and I'll never be able to get away from it.

My eyes close and I remain silent, even though my blood is roaring inside me. If I thought I felt heartbreak before, this is a new level. My mate doesn't even trust me. He's never trusted me.

"Come on," Nate says as he attempts to pull me into a sitting position. "Let me get you home. Let me take care of you, have you checked over."

Home. My stomach lurches at the thought of going home.

But I don't want to speak right now. I can't even look Nate in the eye. So instead I allow him to pull my weak body to my feet, he slings an arm over my shoulder and hoists me up against his side with his impressive strength.

The entire journey home is silent. I have no energy to talk.

I don't even have anything to say.

Nate thinks I cheated on him. I don't know... means yes. Everyone knows it.

Everything inside me is deflated. I had no idea I could lose even more of that light deep down in me. I'm practically nothing but a shell. There is nothing left and I wish Nate was a few more minutes late.