she's just a kid || the 100

50 || new life

I didn't want to tell Gaia about Sheidheda yet. I wanted to conquer him for myself. It sounds silly, but I wouldn't be where or who I am today without the help of my friends and family. I wouldn't have survived without them. I just felt like doing this, defeating the demons within my own mind would be like finally doing something all by myself. Finally slaying my demons without any help from anyone. It is a little bit stupid, but I don't wanna be the little kid that everyone's always carrying around on their hip and looking after. I want to be one of the big kids. One of the grown ups. This was just something I had to do for me. 

And besides, it's my mind, meaning I have control. How hard could it be?

I was doing everything I could to get his voice out of my head. Listening to music, reading out loud to myself, training extra hard until I was dizzy from overworking myself, just anything that would block out the voices in the Flame. I even debated taking the Flame out, but that probably wasn't the best idea.

Before I knew it, I'd been sorting requests for two hours (or mostly daydreaming), and it was 7AM. 

A knock sounded at my office door, and I lifted my head from where it had been resting on my hand before granting, "Come in."

Miller walked in, Cooper trailing closely behind him. She'd been kissing our butts, trying to get on my good side since the whole Fighting Pits fiasco. 

"What's on today, Miller?" I asked in a bored tone, knowing it would probably just be endless boring meetings and check ups to make sure everything was running smoothly. 

"We have too many offenders for one fighting pit this week," Miller replied, his hands behind his back and his head held high. 

I stood up out of my chair and began walking toward the door where he was. "What? How is that possible?"

"We had six more people caught trying to steal rations yesterday. That makes twenty offenders so far this week."

"All of them were stealing rations?" I asked. It was no secret that people were hungry down here. We'd moved to half-rations about a year ago to try to give the Hydro-Farm some help sustaining all of us until our Engineers can figure something out. They still haven't been able to. 

"All of the ones we caught yesterday, yeah," He replied. 

"I— we believe that in order to not overfill the prison cells, more than one Pit fight this week is necessary," Cooper cut in, her tone arrogant. I didn't like this lady, but I had to be proffessional, and since she was actually a useful person, I couldn't just execute her for bugging me. 

"Well, we're gonna have to, aren't we?" I replied with a huff. "Ten tonight, 6pm. And the rest on Saturday, like usual."

"How do we decide which ones?" Miller asked. 

I thought for a second before replying, "Whoever's been in there the longest can go first."

"Yes, Heda," Cooper complied before bowing her head down, and it taking every ounce of self restraint I had in me not to roll my eyes. I watched Miller side-eye the woman before looking back at me, both of us trying to hold in our laughter at the woman's terrible attempts to suck up to me. 

Hours passed, and it was time for tonight's fight. I was seated at the top of the rotunda, at what Octavia had jokingly named my 'throne', but in reality, really was a throne. My war paint decorated my eyes. I'd been trying out different designs, trying to find which one fit me the best. I liked my original design, which was drags of paint down my eyes like Lexa's war paint with designs up my forehead like Lincoln's tattoo, but I wanted to find something that said 'me'.