Beyond your Blues

Chapter Three

That's why i sit here in his waiting room for my appointment,going through the Vouge magazine but my mind consciously jotting through the events that brought me here,to this place.

I look up at the calming white walls and that hyper realistic painting that's keeping my mind occupied.not the magazine,not my phone but the walls and a painting.

the receptionist calls for me to go in.
I enter as a middle aged man is walking out. Looking visibly relieved.
At times i feel like going to therapy is like going to church.
You admit your sins,unburden yourself at the cost of a human who's trained to do just that.hear and advise and forget.

As i walk in uncle John smiles up and motions for me to take the couch.
I do sit down,smoothing over my dress in more of a habit than anything.that and that ring around my throat that i stroke.

"Did you think about what I asked you to do in the previous session kiddo?"
I nod.
"I did"
"Then tell me"his calm voice makes it so easy for me to admit it out loud.

"It was fear"

He asked for me to identify the most powerful emotion that i felt during that time,that made me act so un orderly.now that i think back,i was more scared than anything.

And no,identifying that emotion wasn't easy.cause the whole time i thought i acted like that in anger.angry that everyone around me made me feel like I'm crazy.but no.wracking my brain this whole week i found that the root for all the mess i I created was fear.

Fear that it will never be the same for me.
Fear that i might actually be crazy.
Fear that one day I'll wake up in a place that pops is not a part of and be forced to accept that reality like had to accept my present one.

It was hard for me to admit it to myself that it indeed was my unrequited fear that made me think so much.but what's the point in therapy if I'm not being honest?

So i said uncle John everything.

Why i feared so much and what about,i undid the burden of the past few months in a matter of an hour and by the end of the therapy i felt light.like i somehow matured enough to humour my feelings which i tried so badly to lock before.

Now i can smile at pops without feeling guilty.i think he waited especially for this session cause he once told me that only after removing pebbles we move to bigger stones and then to the rock.

Now i feel like i can i remove my stone,so.. good job to myself.
He made me pat on my shoulder with an encouraging smile and ended this week's session with regards to my father.

"Thank you so much,uncle"
He smiled warmly.
"Your welcome dear"

I lowkey smiled at a few passersby cause i was in a good mood.
I can finally smile at pops without feeling guilty.

                   **********

"How was your session?"Liz hugs me when i walk into the room.

She does that every single time when i come back from therapy.she handed me my weekly appreciation sticky note,with her note of my improvement.

I put it in my Moscow box that I've saved every other note with.

I'm grateful that my best friend takes her time off to do that every week,and now every other week.
Every single note makes me feel as if I've achieved something and i love that she can do that with a few appreciative words and a horrible smilie face.

"Guys wanna order something?"Steph,one of our roommate asks.

"Wanna go out instead?"Lara suggests.

"Okay"North and i chorus at the same time and we hi five for doing that.