petals for armor || paramore oneshots

cinnamon

being an adult is liberating. you're making your own money, and you can spend it however you want (even if it's irresponsible, no-one can really stop you if you're persistent enough) and you have your own freedom, you can go where you want and do what you want without anyone telling you otherwise (as long as it's not a crime, obviously) and when you live in your own house, you can arrange things however you want, without compromise. it's also fucking scary, living alone. you can easily put the idea in your head that something is gonna jump out the walls and scare the living shit out of you and them chase you up the stairs, or watch you through your bedroom window at night. you can sing and dance in your own kitchen as freely as you want, providing your neighbours aren't listening and watching.

dinner for one tonight is broccoli, rice and beans. but i'll make a little bit extra just in case. i'll probably end up eating the rest of it tomorrow, which is fine because i'm saving myself time now, and i might not have enough energy to cook tomorrow or the night after. when the broccoli is tender and the rice and beans are soft, i scrape a portion into a plate for myself and the rest into a tupperware container which will cool down as i'm eating so i can put it in the fridge afterwards. i bring my plate over and sit myself down at otherwise-empty dining table. the silence is deafening so i turn on my speaker and connect my phone to play some music, hoping to fill the void. i sit back down and look around, but the walls feel like they're trapping me in, what with only being 5'2 and having nobody else around and i have nowhere to run, because my shorter legs wouldn't keep up anyway. so instead, i take the more peaceful route and take my plate to the back garden where it should feel more open.

the mass of tall grass welcomes me with whatever animals and plants might be hiding inside it. including alf, who jumps out the grass and scares the living shit out of me. but out of everything that could've scared me right now, he's probably the best out of all of them.
"heya, buddy! coming to sit with me?" i offer in the singsong baby voice that i use just for him, as i pat the empty space on the bench next to me, and he runs over and jumps up, sticking his nose in my dinner and sniffing it, so i decide to give him a little bit and take my time to finish the rest of my plate, feeding alf little bites in between my bites. i don't really care how much of my food he's taken, because i'm not all that hungry anyway - i haven't been recently. i came outside to try and get some fresh air and sit somewhere a bit more open than the blank white walls of the kitchen. the earth's atmosphere only feels like another kind of dome trapping me in now, as the sunset and its circus of clouds watch over me eating my dinner. i feel as small as a baby falling asleep in a crib as her mother watches over her with her tired eyes but still relieved to see the life she created flourishing.

i step back inside and keep my head down so as to not let myself stare at the big white walls long enough and come up with the idea that someone's hiding behind them, or under the table, or under the stairs, or under the floorboards, or under my bed. i was so confident about my decision to lend spare copies of my house key to taylor, zac and my mom, and now i'm not so sure. i trust them enough to use it in an emergency, but i can't say they won't use it anything more than that - never forget when zac had a leak in his bedroom so he just shoved a bucket under it and came and slept on my couch. it also makes it easier for strangers to get in with more copies of my house key to be found. people like me get stalked all the time, so who's to say that nobody's stalking me right now? they could probably have snuck into the attic in the time it took me to cook dinner, eat it and wash up. i still continue with my usual evening routine anyway - i kinda have to anyway, intruder inside or not.

as soon i've (we've) finished the plate, we jump up and head back inside, where we part ways as alf decides to run around and find his toy then lose it again, at which point he'll either wait for me to get it back out from under the couch for him or grab it himself. right now, his only option is the latter because i'm busy loading up the dishwasher and storing away the now-cooled leftovers in the fridge. then i'll go and lose myself in the bathtub for a while and drown myself in the bubbles. heck, i could be doing a million things right now with not having anyone else to accommodate for. just a girl and her dog. he wouldn't care if i went and dyed my hair a striking shade of yellow again, or electric blue, or hot pink. nor would he care if i did 50 laps around the house and did 50 jumping jacks in the lounge while blasting my guilty pleasures of musical theater soundtracks or beyonce's entire discography. i told you it was liberating. this is what i'd waited so long for as a kid and now i'm here, what, whining? because i might actually never be alone? in my own home?

another thing about living alone is that you don't have to lock the bathroom anymore, and it's probably better if i didn't in case something happened to me. but i'm tempted to do so anyway out of paranoia. i won't bother just now, but if i need to i can. i hope i won't need to, but if anything, i'm only manifesting it right now by planting the idea in my own head, if that even makes sense. our minds play crazy tricks on us. i walk in and face myself in the mirror, scrutinising the scattered freckles on my face and the mysterious green eyes that know when i'm lying and pretending to be fine. but i have to look away as soon as possible, because otherwise i'll start doing what i did as a kid and tell myself to imagine other presences appearing to scare the shit out of me. but who's gonna be imagining monsters and ghosts and shit when you're independent enough to live alone?

on the walls of my home, there are signs that i'm alone

i keep on every light, talk to my dog, he don't mind

[...]

eat my breakfast in the nude

lemon water, living room

home is where i'm feminine

smells like citrus and cinnamon

[...]

i'm not lonely, i am free

but if i let you in, you would never wanna leave

if ever i let you in, cinnamon

i'm not lonely, baby, i am free

mmm, finally

i'm not lonely, baby, i am free!

[...]