Christmas With Her

Missing Piece

   "What?!? You wouldn't sing it with your mom?!?" Y/N scolded her. Rebecca just smiled. "NO! AND SHE CALLED ME NAMES WHEN I DID IT!!" Cate got even louder, practically screaming. "SHE CALLED ME LAME!!! FOR YEARS!!" Cate yelled. "WHAT?!?" Y/N matched her energy.

   "First of all, it's very loud in here MOM!!!" Rebecca joked. "Second of all, I FEEL GANGED UP ON!!" She laughed. Y/N and Cate started talking at the same time. Both fast and loud and very intense. "Jesus, I can't understand either one of you! This is a lot!" Rebecca laughed.

   "I told you, you reminded me of my mom" she joked and gestured between the two of them. "Awe!!!" Cate and Y/N said at the same time. "I don't like this. Not one bit" Rebecca joked, all of them knowing it wasn't true. Rebecca loved how much they were alike.

   They spent the rest of the night singing, dancing, laughing and baking. Only stopping once to eat their food. Kyle was not having any of it. He was in their room or in the living room watching tv. Antisocial and taciturn as always. Truthfully, no one missed him though.

   "I'm going to go upstairs" Rebecca announced. "Kyle has been on his own all day" she said. Cate and Y/N just nodded. They were still in the kitchen with a big mess to clean up. "Go ahead" Cate said. Rebecca blew a kiss to them and then left.

   Y/N looked at the time, it was 8:50. Then she looked around at the kitchen. Flour flung everywhere from their flour war, batter on the walls, just stuff everywhere. "I know" Cate said, doing the same. Y/N blew out some air, her hair flying up in front of her face.

   "Wine?" Cate asked, as she poured herself a glass. "Absolutely" Y/N said, walking over to her. Cate sat on the island counter with her wine glass. She cleared a spot next to her and patted for Y/N to join her. Y/N did so and Cate handed her the glass. "Thank you!" Y/N said, downing the glass. Cate laughed.

   "This isn't Sutter Home, drink it slower" Cate teased. Y/N's face turned red and Cate poured her another glass. Cate smiled at her, amused. "Thank you" Y/N said again. "Don't mention it" Cate smiled. Y/N didn't know what kind of wine this was but it tasted expensive. Based off of Cate telling her to drink it slower, it probably was.

   "This was a fun night" Y/N said. Cate smiled. "It was" she finished off her glass and poured another. They sat in silence for a moment. "My mom started this" Cate said. "The whole baking thing" she explained. "She taught me how to have fun, when doing the mundane things" she said. She looked down at her wine glass.

   "I never told Rebecca this... but, I miss my mom an extra lot in the Holiday season. She helps with it a lot but... I miss her an exorbitant amount. Especially these days" she said. "I think about her a lot with getting older. You know?" She said. Y/N just listened.

   "My face... morphing into hers. My habits, turning into hers. My relationship with my daughter... understanding what my mom had to go through more... now that I'm doing it" she smiled. "I just, I wish I could hug her. I wish I could look at her and say "I understand now. I understand you"" she said.

   "You know, this stays between us but... it hurts" she said. "Rebecca running off, wanting to be anywhere but here" she said. "I've always encouraged her independence and to be honest, I'd do it all over again. I would still raise her with that mindset but... now that she is" she said. "It feels like she never needs you?" Y/N said.

   "Kind of..." Cate smiled at her. "Plus with her being so independent, she has her own life. You know? I guess... I just have never really been a part of it" she said. "I just feel like..." she searched for the words. "Like you're always on the outside?" Y/N hit the nail on the head.

   "Right" Cate nodded her head. "You know..." Cate started. "When she was little..." Cate smiled. "I dreamed of her leaving the nest and me finding my own independence. I loved her but I dreamed of her leaving" she said.

   "I looked forward to having time to myself. Being able to drink my coffee alone. Write. Have my own coherent thoughts..." she said. "I never once anticipated that when it happened, my heart would break in two" she said.

   "But that's the life of a mom. You give to your child and you live without" she said. "No one ever tells you this but... when you have a child, you never belong to yourself ever again" she said. "They are an extension of you. In a literal sense" she said. "When she was born, I honestly feel that I gave her all of the best parts of myself" she said

   "I gave them to her. They weren't borrowed" she said, smiling. "Now, I have redeeming, good things about myself. I'm still a good person and fully capable but... I am not whole" she said. "And it's not her job to make me so" she smiled.

   "I've just... been searching for something" she said. "I'm not sure what" she smiled at Y/N. "I'm not a mother... but I understand that" Y/N said. Cate grabbed her hand and stared at her. It was there again. This energy between them. Clear as day.

   This time Cate looked away. "Well, this..." she looked around the kitchen. "Can wait until tomorrow" she laughed. Y/N smiled at her, and looked around. "I agree" she said. "Plus, there's no way I'm letting Becca get out of this" Cate smiled at Y/N. Their eyes met again.

   "Goodnight, Y/N" Cate said, walking away. "Goodnight" Y/N said quietly, listening to her foot steps walk away.