A Secret Ambition

XV

"What?" Perrie prompted.

"He is clever in a way I have never seen before," Lily murmured. "Papa is clever with an air of such confidence and self-assuredness. When I think of Papa and his business, I think elegance and wit.

"Mr McCarthy is clever in a way that he has to prove himself time and again. He has to work twice as hard, and does not get nearly as far, but that does not deter him. He is driven by something I do not understand, and his resolve to never given in might challenge even your stubbornness, Perrie.

"Life has taught him, and his experiences are something so foreign to me that I cannot even imagine them as he has not confided in me. But I can see them. I can see them written all over his face, and he most definitely has a heart, a big one. He carries such burdens, but when he wins, he smiles ... and his smile is so beautiful that I wish he was never burdened."

The sisters sat in silence for several minutes after Lily realised what had just poured out of her mouth. It had most definitely come directly from her heart, and it was certainly the sincerest thing she had ever uttered in her life.

Lily's admiration for Mr McCarthy was considerable. Perhaps she did not yet comprehend the complexity of it yet.

"Is this Mr McCarthy aware of your identity?" Perrie's question was soft and barely even audible.

"No."

"Does he hold you in the same regard that you hold him?"

"No!" Lily's refusal that time came immediately and much louder than the first. "I ... I respect him is all ... and he respects me as an employee ..."

Perrie interrupted her. "But he is a good man?"

"Yes," Lily answered determinedly.

"Then you have something to think about, Lily."

"What do you mean?"

"Whether or not you are aware of it, I think you are falling in love with the man." Just as Lily was about to protest, Perrie held up her hand and said, "Let me finish. He cannot return your feelings if he doesn't know who you really are. No man, especially not the salt of the earth character you describe, deserves to be deceived. Sooner or later, he is going to learn the truth, and let it be from you."

Lily had not realised that she had begun to tremble. Perrie held Lily in her arms and rubbed her back soothingly. Lily did not think that she was falling in love. What did falling in love even feel like? For her sister, falling in love seemed to mean that one wanted to find the most creative way to kill the other.

Lily had no idea what it was supposed to feel like in her heart. But regardless, Mr McCarthy knew Lily without knowing her name. She had not deceived him on any other topic. She had been sincere in her every word except for that.

He doesn't know who you really are.

Lily was an aristocrat. If she knew anything about Mr McCarthy, it was that he loathed the lazy eejit that was the aristocrat.

He cannot return your feelings.

There was no way that Mr McCarthy would feel anything but loathing towards her if he knew the truth about Lily's position. The very idea of Mr McCarthy regarding her so poorly made Lily's chest seize in an agonising way, and her brow furrowed with worry.

Lily did not understand her own feelings but having Mr McCarthy hate her was unthinkable. Deliberately lying to him, as well, filled her with the all too familiar feeling of guilt and unease.

Did Lily want McCarthy to return her feelings? As soon as the thought filled her head, she admonished herself for it. She did not even know what feelings she possessed. But she certainly wanted Mr McCarthy to think as well of her as she did of him.