The myth of 'me'

9

A weird feeling of being excited for the next day, a feeling I've not felt in oh so long, but naturally not the excitement of waking up, I still find waking up gruesome, no, I'm excited because of a new shirt I'll wear, that's what's making me excited, but, but what if the shirt doesn't look good? What if I dislike myself in it? Now I am scared of the next day.

It seems that recently I've gotten more sensitive, I've always been overly sensitive but I hide it behind a mask of apathy and quietness, a stone cold face and a passive aggressive attitude, crying is not a thing for me.
I hate crying, not because some may think it shows signs of being 'weak', no, I dislike how it feels, I dislike the desperation, I dislike the loss of control, naturally I cannot control bodily functions, I cannot control when I have to sneeze or when I have to empty my bladder, but I can feel it, I can suppress it, I can act upon it, or I can ignore it, but I do not let myself cry, and when I do, I've no control over it, crying, sobbing desperately, disgusting, I dislike crying, not because it is a sign of 'weakness' but because u cannot control it.
That is also a reason for my dislike of intoxication, some forms of intoxication I can tolerate, other forms not, most intoxication I cannot enjoy simply because I cannot free my mind of worries, and those worries get intensified by intoxication.
There was a time where I had smoked, and then drank, I was feeling scared, worried, it was my fault, after all people say do not cross consume, a beginners mistake really, I vomited that night, the fact that I've emptied my body trough my mouth was not my issue, it was that until the last second of it happening I didn't notice it, I did not notice the fact that I needed to vomit, I did not induce the act by myself either, from one second to the other it just happened, and I detest myself for my loss of control, I detest my body for it's dissociation.
I dislike being overly sensitive, naturally I'm sure everyone would like to be able to give no fucks about their surroundings.
I wish I didn't care when someone looked at me wrongly, I wished I didn't care if someone commented something negative about me, I don't show that I care, but I do, I do and I carry it with me, a lot of people do im sure, and those people know as well as I do how exhausting it is, how paranoid it makes people, how absolutely devastating it is when ones nice day feels ruined because someone rolled your eyes at you or expressed themselves in a different tone than usual , you don't wish to care, you don't want to care, but you do, deep down, you do, an awful lot so, and you think and you overthink
Was it my fault?
Was I the reason for their negative mood?
They hate me now, surely.
I don't want them to hate me.
Please whatever I did I won't do it again, please.
Fuck you, why would you ruin my day like that?
I should just stop thinking about it.
But it annoys me so much!
I fucking hate them!
And that's how the anger and the resentment starts. I'm a fickle person, I quickly develop extreme dislike due to extremely small actions of a person, and I hate my mind for acting in such a way. Of course, I'm aware, people could have had a bad day, could have had received bad news, or simply needed to express their dissatisfaction about something in some way, any way, and I just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, surely people shouldn't let out negative emotions on others, but they also let out positive emotions on others, emotions exist and hiding them can be awfully tricky.

People often talk about the 'Voices in their head' mostly on social media, and naturally, mostly jokingly.
30-50% of people have an inner monologue, the voice in your head that reads words out in your mind, or you could say the general voice of your thoughts.
You cannot change the volume of said voice, but the tone of it.
I personally have an Inner monologue, but I'm wondering how people without one think, I'd say by thinking trough pictures or imagining the words in themselves, but really, I've no idea.
Having an inner monologue is common, but what if we didn't have it? How is it, having an inner monologue? The voice that speaks those words, for me, I'm guessing the voice is similar to mine, in some ways, in others not, I cannot hear it well, after all I cannot make it louder.
This voice in my head is part of me, it holds my ideas and my thoughts, it does not hold unfamiliar one's, but what if the voice in your head, your inner monologue wasn't you, but someone completely unfamiliar, someone who doesn't think what you currently think, someone that does not read the texts out loud in your mind, someone who's voice sounds stranger.
What if next to an inner monologue, there was a second voice, with an developed personality, with which you could converse, which you could get to know?
Hearing unfamiliar voices in your head by Itself can be signs of a mental disorder, but it can also happen at random, it's not as huge of a deal as some might think, still, id like to meet the stranger that's hiding in my mind.
Have you ever been In a social situation, in which you yourself felt alien? No, not because you didn't fit in you insecure prick that has to show everyone how sad and miserable they are (myself included, I'm a hypocrite, after all).
But no, when it feels alien, simply because of your view on it, sitting in a situation, multiple people talking, conversing, looking, and you're sitting there, close enough but still far enough away, looking at everyone, seeing everyone, noticing the conversation but finding it simply alien, not because you've gone nothing to chime in with, no, the conversation itself is barely noticeable, rather than that it feels more like dissociation, like not knowing if that is normal or not, if this is real or not, if it should be like this or not.

Have you also felt like this?
Have you ever felt like there was too much blood in your body?
Have you ever felt that you had to empty your stomach orally after eating something?
Have you ever felt absolutely disconnected from everything?
Have you ever felt unexplainable rage?
Have you ever felt jealousy so badly you've started ripping your skin off?
Have you ever felt hate so bad you've prayed upon another downfall for years?
Have you ever felt nothing so horrible that you've faked it for months?
Have you ever felt as if you've wanted there to be multiple holes in your body?
Have you ever wanted to be someone else so bad
Have you ever wanted
Have you ever  felt
Have you ever been
Have you ever been like me?

How do you feel?
No, not how you're doing today or such, how do you feel reading this? What are your thoughts? Do you believe you're reading some depressed kids diary? Or a mindful story? Some vents or rants? Or maybe an autobiography of someone soon to be deceased.
Do you relate to my my words? Do you copy my believes? Do you copy my thoughts?
Do you laugh at my manic words or do you cry because you find them similar to your own?
Do you idolize me or do you despise me, do you indulge in my texts? Am I entertaining? Am I entertaining you enough yet? Are you entertained?? Am I a joke to you? Do you feel called out? No, of course not you're one of those depressed people always going on about how they feel nothing.
Indulge in my words, in my work, embrace it and relate to it you common middle class peasant.
Do you read these texts for quick entertainment? Do you even read these?