Eggshells

cw: implied sh, self sabotage, lots of anxiety 

don't read if you are having a bad day. 

It seemed that nothing fit perfectly; It all was somewhat out of place; necklace turned around, a tear stained face, a too quiet voice or off centered grace. Yes, maybe some are bigger mistakes, but we are all not truly meant to be here. We all have disturbed someone's peace. It just so happens that maybe that person wanted to be disturbed, maybe they don't mind if you continue to. But you still must always be careful. Always, you must walk on eggshells.

Every single time you think you can be who you are and not the version you have to be in order to not be alone, they deem you "strange" and leave for someone who can fake it for longer than you can. A faker version. But it's all okay because you have those three people who you can be you with, no matter what. Scratch that, two people. Nope, one. What do you do if that one tells the people you tried so hard to create this fake identity around and ruins all your plans to not be alone?

Wait, you think that you can trust all three of those people again even though the rest of your world is a mess? At least you have those three people. Until it happens again. You are so infuriated at yourself all you can do is stand there and tear yourself apart until you end up crying yourself to sleep, wrists and thighs stinging, oh so angry that you dare be sad as so many more people have it worse than you. As you were taught from an incredibly innocent young age, that no matter what happens. Someone. Has. It. Worse.

It's the next morning. You are so tired that you have to force yourself to get up and move downstairs where you have to shove food down your throat. Thanks to that action the woman who birthed you doesn't yell at you for how you need to eat, then forces you to eat. Which would make you late for school. Or rather late to put on a happy face so you don't have to busy people with your sad, sad life. If you are late you ruin your perfectly crafted routine that you worked so hard on for months, wait, it's even years now. Even though you have destroyed your day by not dragging your feet out the door fast enough, you are now also being scolded by your teachers that you have failed again to complete the assignment that you were supposed to do. But you simply wanted to steal a little bit of time to yourself as you are burnt out, your entire body dragging. Nevertheless, congratulations! You have completed the day without breaking the eggshells, that would ruin everything after all!

Now that you have congratulated yourself that you did not fail you take a moment to sigh, then everything starts over again. This time though, someone else is there to help you. You cling on to that simple thought and it brings you through the day. Hour after hour you wait until you are finally able to see them. A light in darkness if you will, you made it. You center everything around them so they won't get bored of you, not like the past 8 years of friends that have straight up left you but no one seems to get how much it hurts, "friends grow apart" they say, "nothing lasts forever" I mean, I guess that's true, but now you are so paranoid when something good happens. You can't enjoy it, instead you are frozen in fear that as soon as this moment ends, you will be back fighting for your life. Fighting yourself. Fighting every little battle that is each thought. Anxiety storming your brain, you can barely comprehend the fact that someone is trying to help you.

You can't even believe that you actually did something right, maybe this time they won't leave you. But of course the nature of the human is to be a complicated mess so your friendship sways, unstable, unpredictable, and unreliable. That's why friend groups exist. If one person gets tired of you, you can just move to the next person, let them get tired of you and repeat the process until they start talking to each other, a combined growing hate, you almost get mad at them but you remember you have a responsibility. You must be perfect at all times, never enough always someone is better; nicer to their siblings, better at math, or just better at being a human being.

What does that even mean? Maybe they mean you are a human that breathes? No. That's too easy. Maybe they mean that you make perfect eye contact with everyone or get straight A's or you never get angry and always cater to their every need. Don't you dare think about what you want to do because you are not important. This human being is just like you because all humans are the same and why in the world are you of all people different. What did you do to deserve this horrible, horrible life where you are always walking so carefully, trying so desperately not to step on the eggshells.

Maybe I am dreaming all of this. Maybe I really am just another human being. A worthless idiot who is nothing better than a person to care for my elders. Be their therapist, cook, babysitter, or maybe even personal driver if you earn it.You should always be grateful after all, respect your elders; for they have already completed the treacherous walk across the eggshells.