Desirable (mxm)

forty-three; broken trust

"Nate," Elin says cupping my hand but I rip it away. "It might not be what you think. We didn't see him with anyone."

I stand from the table so abruptly that the stool rocks behind me. "I need some air," I mumble under a jagged breath before walking across the kitchen with my head down.

My chest has never felt this tight. It actually feels like I'm suffocating.

As soon as I burst through the back door and step down the patio, I place my hand on the nearest wall and attempt to catch my breath. Tears keep leaking from my eyes and I somehow wish this never happened.

Bile rises in my throat but I push it down. Elin's right, it might not be what I think. But it means something. He didn't want to stay around to talk to me, instead he went to find comfort in someone else. Another man.

I wretch at the thought but nothing comes up.

I'm sobbing by the time I sink to the floor and perch on the bottom step. My head is buried into my hands and I shake my head. Fuck. No. This isn't real. Nothing happened. I pray nothing happened.

But he still went there. He still went to the one place that fucking haunts me.

He promised me. He promised.

Now why all of a sudden do I feel like I was never good enough? I was probably never good enough for him and his needs. I know he's unwell, his addiction is serious but does that mean I can't have my own feelings too?

Because right now it feels like someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and tore it in two.

The door opens behind me but I don't dare glance up and look at who is there. As soon as I take a big inhale, I know it's my sister because I could recognise that lavender scent from miles away. She perches beside me and wraps an arm over my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

I wipe my nose with the back of my hand and twist my head to look at her. Those eyes are studying me closely and I pull away from her grip. "I bet you're happy," I grumble heavily.

She flinches from my words. "Why on earth would I be happy?"

"Because now I'm not in a happy relationship. I'm not rubbing it in your face." I say with a harsh tone.

Viola blinks at my outburst and I have no idea why I've done it. Of course I have an idea. I'm being spiteful because I don't know what my mate did last night. I don't know if he went home with someone else. If he even thought of me whilst he did it.

"Nate–" she shuffles closer to me. "That is not true at all. I want you to be happy, I've always wanted you to be happy."

My eyes clench together, more tears escaping. "Well I'm not."

"I know," she whispers and places her chin on my shoulder. I glance down to find her snaking her hand against mine and squeezing gently. "But you don't know what happened. You heard Zade, he said he was upset. It might not be as malicious as you think."

"I'm sorry, that was unfair. I'm hurting." I scrunch up my face and shake my head. "He's been ignoring my mindlink. That's something someone who is guilty would do. Don't you think?"

Viola bites down on her lip. "There could be more to the story."

A scoff leaves my lips faster than I anticipated. "The story? He went to a fucking sex party, Viola. Something he promised me he'd never do again, or feel the need to do. He left me to go and get company off someone else. That speaks volumes."

"I'm sorry," she whispers again.

I shake my head and glance towards the trees in the distance. "I always knew this was too good to be true."

"Are you going to talk to him?"

For a moment I'm silent and Viola raises her head, squeezing my hand to remind me that she's there. "I don't know," I admit. "He won't even let me. So how can I?"

I'm not sure I could face him if he told me that he was intimate with someone else. I tell myself to calm down before I break down into a panic attack. I've fought so hard against my insecurities but this is really the icing on top of the cake.

That would shatter me to pieces. I'd never be the same.

I'd never trust anyone again.

I thought I was special to him. He made me feel special. He made me feel like I was the only person in this world to exist and everyone else was merely here for show. I was his world, his soul. Everything.

Now I feel like an idiot. I should have known better.

Milo was never going to want me and just me.

No matter what happened between us, I'll never be enough. That's clear now.

I wish I knew that at the start to save myself from this agony.

"Come inside," Viola whispers. "Let us take your mind off this."

My nose sniffles but it's blocked. "I can't, I'm a mess."

"We're your family. We want to be there for you." She says again and I finally look at her through my blurry eyes. "Even if we just go for a walk or watch a movie. They all love you, they all want what's best for you. We want to be there as much as we can."

I stare at my sister for a long moment before I nod. If I push everyone away, I'll just deteriorate. I should be around my family and my friends, even if I don't want to. It'll keep me distracted and I'll be kept sane for the time being.

She stands up and tugs me with her. "Come, I'm not leaving you alone today. And anything that you need, I'll be there to get it for you."

My lips twist into a frown. I doubt a new heart is on that list.

♥ ♥ ♥

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Author's Note

OH MY GOD. MY FUCKING HEART.

Milo went to the sex party? Yikes😬🥺💔

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Seeing Nate like this breaks my heart because Milo is absolutely everything to him!😭

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Love Savanna x

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