Sugarcubes // Finnick Odair - Hunger Games Fanfic

VII.

I'm so shaken up that I don't even grab a sugar cube on the way up. Pressing the 'R' button in the lift and heading up to the roof has become normal to me. I do it every year when I'm mentoring, because being in the capitol; especially above the training center brings back bad memories. And as fate would have it, just like it happened 8 years ago, when I push open the door and step out onto the roof, a blonde boy stands at the wall, looking out into the city.

"Four," I greet, stepping beside him and staring at the city below us.

"Seven," He says, nodding slightly to acknowledge my presence. We stand like this in silence for several moments before he speaks again. "So, why are you up here?"

"Johanna." I say simply, still caught up in her words to be able to reveal anything more. He is the thing we argued about after all.

He hums knowingly, and I cock my eyebrow at him, questioning him as well.

"Annie," he sighs. "She started screaming in the night and today I just couldn't handle it. I feel horrible, but I left. Mags is helping her."

Usually, I'd yell at him now for being a prick. Today? I feel like I would have done the same thing. My mental state is so fragile that I feel that Annie screaming would have done it for me too. But after what Jo said, standing next to him feels wrong; what if I'm the one that has to kill him after all? What if it's just us left? Would they ever forgive me if I let him kill me?

"What happened with Jo?" He asks, interrupting my thoughts by nudging my side softly.

"Nothing." I snap but soften under his stare. "She's angry," I admit finally, "at me. She's angry that I volunteered."

"I am too." He tells me softly, but I can tell his heart isn't in having this fight.

"What?" I ask, shocked at his words. But then I remember our promise. My promise.

"You promised me you wouldn't volunteer, Kendria. How am I supposed to get out of there if you're in there too? I can't!" He says, raising his voice.

"That's incredibly selfish of you, Odair. I was supposed to let Johanna die then? Why is everybody acting like this is my fault? I'm her big sister! I'm supposed to protect her! But you wouldn't understand that, would you? Because you're here on the rooftop with me instead of with Annie, who, by the way, needs you right now!" I scream at him, my anger coming out all at once.

"That's incredibly unreasonable-"

"SHUT UP! Just stop! You can't dictate what I can or can't do Finnick. That's not how this works."

And then I turn abruptly and leave my only sanctuary in this crooked world slamming the door behind me. This isn't my first games. These are more twisted and more dangerous. And getting Finnick out of there will be harder than I thought, especially if he doesn't want to get out of the arena himself.

Finnick has always been there for me. After my games, he was one of the only people who truly understood how I felt. And now the idea of doing this without him? Unthinkable.

Tears pour down my face as I slowly get up from the velvet covers of the bed in which my body was stained. The man beside me is sleeping soundly. The sight of him makes me want to puke. He has already completed his half of the deal – by informing me that Alexander, my stylist, was part of a rebel organization – and I have just completed mine. I stand up on my feet shaking slightly. There is blood pouring down my leg in a trickle, but my body is too numb to feel any pain. The first time is supposed to be warm and safe and pleasurable. For me it was torture.

I pick up my underwear which has been flung to the other corner of the room and slip it on. Then my bra, Then my revealing shirt and jeans. I want to cry, but I'm afraid he will wake up and my end of the deal will need to be fulfilled yet again. I want to scrub myself, but no end of scrubbing will ever clean the stains he has left on my mind.

I open the door and slip out of it, closing it behind me. Snow never informed me that I would need to stay the night, so I'm not violating any rules. Not technically, at least.

I'm unfeeling as I stalk up the stairs – hoping that at least the tinge in my legs from climbing up ten floors will affect me. But by the time I reach my floor, I'm too tired to unlock my apartment and go inside. So, I sink to the floor at three in the morning at put my hands on my knees. Sobs rack my body silently, and I wish that I was dead.

"Kendria?"

The voice came from the end of the hallway, but I didn't move. I couldn't move.

He bends down and wraps his hands around me, the only thing telling him that I'm alive is the vibrations my body makes as I cry.

"I can't." I tell him softly, as I cry, and he holds me tightly. "I wish that I died."

Finnick Odair saved me that night. And every night after my first night as a slave in the capitol. I just didn't know that I saved him too.

Published: 11 December, 2023