Rêveuse

Chapter 21

"Je pense que nous avons beaucoup à dire avant de prendre une décision... nous ne pouvons pas être trop imprudents à ce sujet," I think we have a lot to talk about before we make any decisions at all... we can't be too reckless about this, I explain.

"D'accord," he agrees. I feel like I could use some help to get the conversation going, but I bet he felt the same when he was talking to my back as I was walking away from him.

"Écoute, je ne veux pas que ça se termine comme la dernière fois. Je ne peux pas faire ça si notre présence ensemble fait partie de votre travail. Je ne veux pas qu'on fasse juste des apparitions de relations publiques où tu m'ignores pendant la moitié de la soirée parce que tu ne voulais que moi là pour quelques bonnes photos," Listen, I don't want this to end like it did last time. I can't do this if us being together is going to be a part of your work. I don't want us to only do PR appearances where you ignore me for half the evening because you only wanted me there for some good pictures, I explain, as it was one of my biggest issues. If we're not on the same page about this there's no point even going forward.

"Peut-être que ce n'est pas une conversation à avoir au téléphone en ce moment ?" Maybe this isn't a conversation to have right now over the phone? he asks.

I stand in silence for a while, as he completely ignored what I had just said which didn't seem like a good sign. Does he think he can brush past it so maybe I'll forget about it? No way.

"Que veux-tu dire?" What do you mean?

"Je ne veux pas résoudre ce problème par téléphone, je veux pouvoir vous parler face à face," I don't want to solve this over the phone, I want to be able to actually talk to you face to face, he says, which allowed my head to come up with another problem.

"Comme quand? Tu pars pour Zandvoort dans une semaine," Like when? You leave for Zandvoort in a week, I point out to him. "Je vous verrai à la course caritative mais notre famille et nos amis seront autour de nous tout le temps... et je ne pense pas vraiment que nous devrions leur dire avant un moment..." I'll see you at the charity race but our family and friends are going to be around us the whole time.. and I don't really think we should tell them for some time...

"Vous aimez voyager... Je serai en Europe pour encore deux week-ends de course" You like to travel... I'll be in Europe for two more race weekends, he says as if I was able to come with him. He should know as well as I do that it's a horrible idea to even open fans up to the idea of us being a thing again by having me around for two race weekends. What if we don't actually get back together and we've started a big storm for nothing.

"Nous savons tous les deux que ce n'est pas une bonne idée pour moi de me présenter sur un hippodrome." We both know it's not a good idea for me to show up at a racetrack.

"Bon, même si on arrive à avoir le temps de se voir avant de partir... Je pars quand même, et je ne sais pas comment tu veux qu'on arrange quelque chose avec toi en Europe et moi à l'autre bout du monde ..." Okay well, even if we manage to get the time to see each other before I leave... I'm still leaving, and I don't know how you expect us to work anything out with you in Europe and me on the other side of the world...

"C'est ce dont je suis en train de parler! Nous avons tellement de choses à découvrir et je... Je ne sais pas quoi faire Charles, je dis juste que nous devons parler !" This is what I'm talking about! We have so much to figure out and I just- I don't know what to do Charles, I'm just saying we have to talk!

"Alors aidez-moi ici !" Then help me out here!

I sit down on the couch with my phone still pressed to my ear and with my face in free hand. I don't know why I called, I don't have anything figured out, I don't know how to do this and it's just overwhelming. We can't communicate anymore, not without it becoming an argument where we see who can raise their voice the loudest.