Reluctant Heroes

Chapter 4 - Reflection

A/N: I likely won't be posting daily soon as I'm slowly running into writer's block, but I'm already up to chapter 12! Having a hyperfocus is scary sometimes, why can't I be this productive with everything ;-;

Anyways, enjoy the mess as usual!

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Trainee days went very smoothly for the rest of its remaining time.

I created tentative friendships with those around me, attempting to overcome my awkwardness. Luckily everyone was very patient with me, gladly accepting me into the fold.

I also tried to accept the fact that I was indeed a bit out of the ordinary, bordering on a Mary Sue character after all.

In the beginning, I tried to purposefully flunk practice sessions, to knock me down a few pegs. But it's like my body refused to let me do it, forcing me to complete every exercise to the best of my ability.

I blamed the bracelet, but how much can you blame a shitty piece of metal?

Soon enough, graduation was around the corner, making me have to mentally prepare for what was to come.

Soon I wouldn't be facing wooden dummy titans with soft easy-to-cut napes. It would be the real terrifying deal which would fight back.

Shaking my head, I walked over to the board that would seal my fate. The board holding the exam scores. If I remembered correctly Krista was number ten, so if she wasn't, I would be likely taking her spot.

A crowd was already gathered around the board, muttering amongst themselves. When one of my fellow cadets spotted me, they fell silent, prompting the surrounding cadets to look my way as well. I already felt uneasy.

The crowd parted as I moved to the front of the board, eyes closed. I took a deep breath before opening them and facing the board.

As soon as I spotted my name, I only felt dread.

Fuck.

Fuck my life.

Despite my attempts to sabotage myself, I somehow still got the number one spot.

All the rankings seemed to be the same except for the fact they were all down one place, knocking poor Krista off her deserved tenth.

I took another deep breath, trying to get myself to accept it all. It was almost like I had a devil and an angel on my shoulder at that moment.

The angel was whispering how well I did, and how I should embrace my success. It meant we had survivability and would withstand the many perils thrown my way.

The devil whispered how screwed I was, mucking up major events like this. I might as well have painted the biggest target on my back yet.

"Congratulations, Marie!" I heard Armin exclaim, who had suddenly popped up beside me. I tried to get my shaking body under control, turning to face the crowd that had been staring at me before.

Of course, Eren and Mikasa were by his side. Both looked at me with respect, making my gut twist.

I didn't belong here. I didn't belong up there.

I plastered a smile on my face, "Thank you! You guys too! You all passed with an A+!"

Armin, the innocent little bean, beamed up at me, "Thanks!"

Eren stepped up, next in line to speak, "Don't think number one means you will stay number one always! I will definitely surpass you and Mikasa both!" the determined look in his eyes didn't go unnoticed.

"It was a close one. Well done." Mikasa congratulated me in her own way, even gifting me with a rare soft smile of hers.

I didn't deserve this. Not this spot or their kindness.

I wish I could've sneaked off to my bunk and just stewed in my own self-hatred for a bit, but the graduation ceremony would happen soon. It was best just to get ready for it and get it over with.

Standing in the number one spot fueled my negative thoughts even more, making my mind zone out most of the speeches given. I saluted, but couldn't say I put my heart into it.

After the ceremony came the obligatory after-party. The only reason I didn't try to skip out was because of the food really.

I tried to sit on my own but quickly came to be surrounded by my fellow cadets, making the atmosphere feel stifling to me.

"Hey Marie! Congratulations!" Marco exclaimed, coming to sit in the only empty spot beside me.

The fake smiles were really hurting my cheeks at this point, but I wouldn't let my mask falter, "You too, Marco! Eighth is nothing to scoff at!"

He preened at the praise, when his face shifted into a more concerned look, "Marie, are you ok?"

I wanted to act dumb but realised I was shaking like a leaf the moment I tried to lift a piece of bread. I dropped the piece of bread, abruptly coming to stand up.

"Marie?!" Marco yelled after me as I cowardly ran away.

I just... couldn't pretend anymore.

These past few years I had been questioning my sense of self. Was I really showing off my true self? Was I just pretending to be this bigger thing than I really was? Were these skills really my own, or just something forced upon me by fate?

In the haze of my tears, I didn't notice someone was standing in my way, causing me to promptly bump into them.

"Hey! Watch out where you-" Jean abruptly stopped talking as he realised I was a shaking crying mess.

The only reason I was still standing was him holding me up. Realising this, Jean sat me down at one of the benches in the hallway we were in.

"Hey, you idiot, breathe!" Jean tried to advise me, making me realise I was hyperventilating. I felt my head drop into my hands as I struggled to even my breathing.

"Marie!" Marco exclaimed as he came bounding around the corner. It made my breathing quicken again, making me focus even harder on evening it out.

I heard their voices, but the words didn't register in my head. I vaguely registered Marco coming to sit beside me and rubbing my back whilst Jean was still crouching in front of me.

Eventually, I did manage to breathe at a more even pace. I lifted my head from my hands, no doubt looking like a teary and snotty mess.

Their worried faces made me want to launch into another crying session, but I did my best to push back the tears.

"Marie... what is up with you?" Jean asked, looking mightily confused.

I crumbled, "I don't belong here."

Both of them looked at me weirdly, "What do you mean?" Marco asked carefully.

"I don't belong here. I don't belong up there either." I forced out.

Marco immediately tried to reassure me, misunderstanding, "Of course you belong here, you did your best to reach the number one spot!"

"You don't get it- I-" I waved my hands around in frustration.

Nobody would get it though. Who could I talk to about my situation? Like, yes! Hello! I'm reincarnated and this life you're living was just a piece of fiction in my old life! I know how it all is going to end, but can't do anything to change it because all of it is set in stone. Oh yeah! Maybe it's not, because my presence here has fucked things up already! And most importantly, my skills are most likely all just a fluke!

Instead, I settled for the half-truth, "I... I used to be a good-for-nothing shut-in. Someone who'd amount to nothing. I had no friends, not even my family cared much about me." I took a shaky breath, forcing back my tears, "I was fine with it, being a nobody. I didn't mind the peaceful life I was living. Then all this happened and now-" I felt myself choke up again.

"Marie, calm down!" Jean shouted at me, making me startle at his tone. He looked... angry.

"How do you think all of us feel when someone constantly downplays themselves despite being good at what they do? Not only that, do you think we all just collectively lie that we like you?" Jean bluntly asked me.

I stilled, shocked at the outburst.

"Jean..." Marco began but quickly trailed off.

Even Marco knew Jean had a point, which I begrudgingly admitted as well.

"Not only do you have zero confidence in yourself, but others around you too!" Jean snapped, daring me to look away from him.

I felt myself want to cry in a whole different way. I had been... a bit selfish, hadn't I?

I had been treating everything like it was still just a story to play around in. Like the ones around me were still just characters. They weren't. It got made apparent to me in that very moment.

Looking into the eyes of the very real person in front of me, I felt guilty.

"I... I'm sorry." I muttered softly, finally breaking away from his stern gaze.

I heard Jean sigh before speaking up again, "You don't have to be sorry, just... have some faith in not just us but yourself as well."

I nodded, wiping the remaining tears away.

It was nice to vent in some way and be told the truth of the situation. Not just empty promises of it'll be alright, but some real advice.

I could never vent about my pickle of being reincarnated, however, but I suppose that was fine. I had friends around me supporting me, and I was currently the top graduate!

I took another deep breath before making to stand up again, the two boys following.

I looked them both in the eyes before sincerely saying, "Thank you."

As we made our way back to the main hall, Marco decided to speak up, "So, Marie, which branch are you going for?"

I paused briefly before answering, "The Survey Corps."

I had said that just as we had entered the hall, which made heads turn towards me. Great, more attention.

Jean looked at me incredulously, "Surely you're joking?!"

I shook my head, looking at my wrist holding the bracelet, "No, I'm serious."

"So you're just like the suicidal maniac after all?!" Jean yelled, catching the attention of the remaining graduates. I heard Eren yell out a, "What was that, horse face?!" but ignored it.

Still facing the rest of the graduates but looking at Jean, I smiled softly, "I don't want to be that cowardly loser anymore. I want to amount to something and do great things with the capabilities I have. That's why I'll join the Survey Corps."

A bit of a lie but shhhh.

I heard the distinct tapping of feet on the ground, seeing that Eren was the source of it, "Really Marie? You'll join too?!"

I nodded, when Marco spoke up from beside me, "Maybe... maybe I'll join too?"

Jean and I looked at him incredulously but for totally different reasons.

"Marco, you can't be serious?! We were both going to the Military Police right?!" Jean yelled, shaking poor Marco by the shoulders.

As Jean and Marco argued back and forth, I faced Eren who had stopped beside me. He looked hopeful and excited, "I swear I'll catch up to you!"

"You already said so before, dummy." I ruffled his hair, causing Eren to pout much like a toddler would. Cute.

"You're all idiots! The whole lot of you!" Jean eventually screamed out, causing Eren to whirl on him.

Surprisingly, the whole canon argument between the two still broke out. I sidled up next to Marco while they had their little yelling match, glad the attention was off me again.

"You don't have to join, Marco. Do whatever your heart desires. You wanted to serve the king, didn't you?" I implored.

Marco looked at me, smiling softy, "Sometimes the heart changes in what it wants."

I felt the redness creep up on my face again, causing me to bashfully look away.

It seemed Jean and Eren had finished their little spat, leaving the hall in an awkward atmosphere. I sighed, deciding I'd just eat my fill before retiring for the night.

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The upcoming week we would be introduced to some of the Garrison's duties, as most people would end up there, but I knew what it would entail.

I was assigned to the inner side of the Trost wall, along with Mikasa, Marco and a few others.

We worked in comfortable silence, although not exactly comfortable for me.

I knew what would happen. I saw the designated squad being assigned the gate of Trost, knowing exactly what would transpire in a bit. I felt my hands shake again.

Marco walked up to me, grabbing one of my shaking hands which was attempting to clean one of the cannons. He gave me a soft smile, "No need to be nervous, it's just some simple chore work."

"I can't help but feel unsettled for some reason." I lied.

"I feel the same. Something is off." Mikasa surpsingly spoke up.

Right, that weird Ackerman sixth sense.

Before anyone could speak up again, the yellow flash penetrated through the sky, followed by the loud boom much like lightning. The force of the impact was even felt by us all the way at the back.

"Eren!" Mikasa shouted, worried. I immediately held the panicked girl back, knowing she'd try to run for him.

"He'll be fine, trust me," I told her, as we both looked towards the gate to see the colossal titan appear through billows of smoke.

"But that's-!" Mikasa tried to protest.