memento mori.

chapter nine

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I wasn't supposed to be here today.

Big picture, none of us should be here, training, learning, fighting. There were many reasons as to why I shouldn't be here, but today specifically I shouldn't be here. It was Lennox's anniversary, I should be with my family, Marcellus, sitting at the oak tree we buried his things under. I should be sharing my favourite memories, reading out my letter to him, helping my mother make his favourite cake — carrot, which I always used to mock him for.

But instead of being with my family and being able to mourn, I was getting continuously thrown to the ground by someone near double my weight.

"Do you want to stop?" The trainer asked with a tone that almost sounded caring, his forearm was pressed against my chest bones and chin as to not actually suffocate me.

I blinked twice up at him, at first not registering what he'd said. "What?" I replied, my voice hidden behind the cacophony of yelling, clashing and thuds echoing throughout the gymnasium.

The trainer grunted out a sigh, moving off of me to lean back, resting against his feet. "You've let me win five times in a row. Focus."

"I'm trying." My words got caught in my throat and I found myself shocked at the sensation of tears prickling my eyes. I hadn't let myself feel any emotions since I'd gotten here, I'd kept swallowing them back down the moment I felt them rise, something I planned to do for the rest of my time here.

I shuffled to prop myself up on my arms and glanced up at the trainer, he stared down at me with an unreadable expression, one showing a myriad of things but ultimately nothing. I looked down at my shoes, rapidly blinking to push the tears back, forcing myself to shake my thoughts away. "I'm focused, I can go again, I can."

"Whatever you're feeling... Guilt, rage, sadness..." He slapped his thighs, startling me, and stood up, offering me a hand which I hesitantly took. "Put all that into this. The training, the interview, the game."

I let out a short yelp as he yanked me to my feet, earning a stifled laugh from the trainer. I took a step back from him when I was upright, unable to trust him. He was being nice to me and I should've been appreciative but I couldn't help but assume he had an underlining ulterior motive. I didn't want him to think I didn't trust him though, I was supposed to be a sweetheart after all.

"I'm sorry," I quickly said, hating how timid I sounded. "I'm just thinking about a lot of things..." I shook my head. "It doesn't matter, I'm ready, we can go again." I reached up to my unkempt hair, stuffing it once more into a ponytail.

Before we'd come to training, I'd told Alistar to promise me that he'd work with weaponry for at least half of the session, he didn't like the idea of using any sort of weapon, for training or otherwise which worried me, I needed to have at least a semblance of comfort knowing he knew how to use one weapon. Out of the corner of my eye I could see he was learning how to use daggers, he'd been glued to the hip with Felix all day — as far as I could see, the two were youngest tributes this year.