I thought you were mine

Prologue

18/10/2023

Dear diary,

Hi, it's me, Aidan Tanuj Nayak.

You know it's so hard to explain what I feel sometimes, at most times. So, I just find it easier to explain in the form of writing, whether it is letters, long texts or poems. They help, and are a better way to communicate what I feel like. Although, words really don't help at times.

Here's a letter that I wrote for him today. I can't give it to him, but I can atleast show it to you. Because you have been the only consistent and true friend of mine. You literally listen to whatever bullshit I say.

So, here it is:

"Hey,
I just wanted to say that it's been twenty-two days since we last spoke.
Actually, twenty-two days since I last tried speaking to you.
Um, I miss you.
There have been days where I happened to go through our pictures,
and I almost tried to call or text you.

I still have so many questions,
Do you ever think about me?
The way I do, when I come across something that we once bonded over.
I think about whether you're doing fine, if you're alright,
because the last time I spoke to you, you didn't seem alright.
And I noticed that.
I wasn't okay either, but did you notice?
Perhaps now, I'm not someone who should ask you about this.
Maybe, 'she' should.
Do you even think about how different things could have been?
if we'd just sat down and sorted things out?
Because I think of it almost daily.
I think about how strong our bond was,
and one stupid fight was all that took for you to let it go.
I should probably just forget everything about what we had, and about you,
and let you go.

Maybe I should just pretend that we never were friends,
that we never liked each other,
that we had a bond that we both messed up equally.
But I tried, I tried so hard to fix it.
Because I wanted us to last,
I could see you with my family,
in my house, always.
But maybe, you never saw me in yours.
And everytime I mess up, I say that I've messed up.
But you don't.
And everytime I chose you, you choose her.
Maybe, just maybe, if I pretended, it would hurt less.

I'm not blaming you.
It's not entirely your fault.
The only thing that hurts me is that,
I'd told you.
I'd told you everything about me,
yet you chose to leave.
But now I just want to know, I need to know,
Did you really ever even care about me?
Or was it all just an act to make me trust you?
Because you just dropped everything we had, just like that,
for someone who just knows to hurt you.
If we really had a bond, a true bond,
a stupid fight wouldn't allow you to just let go of what is down in flames.

We both had a hard time in this world.
The way we functioned was different from most,
so we bonded over our circumstances,
our differences,
just accepting and embracing each other for who we are.
But then, one confrontation was all it took for you to just decide that you didn't need me anymore.

Well, now, it just seems like you wanted to get rid of me from a long time,
but you just couldn't.
You only needed a reason to leave,
to hate me and shut me out,
to make me seem like the bad person,
as though I was at fault.
Maybe because you wanted to see how desperate I would be to get you back, right?
You just wanted to have some fun, some drama. Right?
Because now I think that I literally meant nothing to you.
I wish I could ask you to prove me wrong,
but you can't.
And I know that you can't.
But, even so, if you want to, then prove it.
Because what we had was so pure and true,
and that doesn't just break and come down, crashing because of one mistake.

You want me to be confused,
to be stuck with endless questions,
so that you still have control over me.
You just don't want people to know,
you don't want her to know,
that you too are at fault,
that you are the bad one.
You're afraid that the image that you've created in front of people would break,
if everyone found out,
if everyone believed my side of our story.
Perhaps one day, she'll know what the truth is.
But it really doesn't matter now."

I know this makes me sound absolutely crazy, but even after all that he did, my heart still wants him.
Fuck, I should just get a hold of myself and get back to studying. You know in these study holidays, I've barely been studying anything for our final exams that are from sixteenth of November. So I've got about four weeks. But the syllabus that we have is so much, that four weeks is way too less. And look at me, just wasting time by getting lost in the memories of him.
I guess I'll go now. If my mother walks in on me writing, she'll possibly confiscate you.

I close my diary (notes app, that is. I mean, isn't it just easier to have everything on your phone rather than having to hide a book?) and shut my eyes while I sit on my bed. I start getting memories of him since the first time I heard his voice, the first time I saw him, and when I knew his name.

***

I'll be adding the letter in the 'only poems' book (Book title: Poems about Love). It will be titled as- i miss you (already).