To See You Again (Chuuya Nakahara x Reader x Dazai Osamu)

Chapter Thirty One

"For the worst."

"No. I don't think so."

She looked up at him in disbelief.

"I used to be powerful, effortless. Limitless! I used to be strong. Now I can't even do my goddamn job right."

"You used to be trapped."

"Oh great! And now I can grow flowers. Hooray for me!" 

Dazai sighed, shaking his head slightly.

"I thought you wanted to change."

"I did just..." Y/n paused, "not like this."

"You wanted to live in a story. You wanted to start over."

"Yeah. I guess." Y/n admitted.

"The best any of us get is a second chance. You've been given that. I've worked quite hard actually to hand it to you."

"Not that I had a say in it." Y/n grumbled, folding her hands on the table and resting her chin upon them.

"You hold onto that so dearly, so desperately. Are you afraid about what it would mean if you wanted to join the Agency? You said yourself you're happier here."

"I don't know."

"Why do you hold onto it?"

It was too much for Y/n. She didn't trust him but, in some strange way, something in her must have because she let go.

"Everything is just so much. The world feels like it's... closing in on me. Like I'm standing in the eye of the storm and its getting smaller and smaller and I can see everything whirling around out there around me but I can't understand any of it. If it wasn't my choice, then it's not my fault I guess."

"Y/n."

She looked up at him.

"Yeah?"

"That's why I'm here. To help make sense of it."

"Sure."

"Really, I'll be your interpreter. If that would make things easier for you."

"I don't... I can't talk about any of it with you."

"Why not?"

She straightened up, facing him dead on.

"Dazai, you chose to leave because you wanted to be better. I was hungry. I would have taken anything, any way out."

"So you admit it was your choice then?"

"Since it's so important to you, yes. I do. I was too scared to do it on my own but you guys pushed me. I never would have otherwise."

"Left the Mafia?"

"Joined the Agency. I'd left the Mafia before, I'd..." she trailed off.

"Would you have left it again? Now that you had Chuuya?"

"I... I don't know."

She looked away.

"He's the other part, isn't he? The part that 'isn't for my ears.'"

His voice was uncharacteristically despondent.

"Yeah." Y/n sighed, "But you are too. That's mostly why it's not for your ears. Besides, even if it was just him, you're biased as hell."

Dazai laughed and she turned back to him.

"I can still listen, if you just need to get it out."

"You can shut up to save your life."

"Yeah but you don't have to take my advice."

"You're just trying to get information out of me. Aren't you." sudden realization struck her and she leaned forward slightly, her eyes narrowed, "This wouldn't have anything to do with that 'game' you and Chuuya are playing, would it?"

Dazai held his hands up in surrender.

"Guilty as charged."

"Oh god. I wish you guys would stop making me a game." she shook her head in disapproval.

"Oh don't worry, you're not the game. You're the prize."

Y/n's brow furrowed with confusion and he stood up.

"The prize?" she asked, getting to her feet as well.

"Since you don't want to talk to me, I'll leave you be. Unless, you want me to stay?"

Did she want him to stay? When she was around him, it was like being around Chuuya. Both men made the world a little less scary, a little more manageable. She shook her head.

"I think I need some time to think."

Dazai nodded and headed towards the door. She followed him in silence, opening it for him. He stepped out into the early evening.

"Dazai?"

He turned back to her, the door frame separating them. Worlds apart yet still somehow right next to one another. Her cheeks flushed lightly pink and she looked away in shame.

"Thanks. For checking in on me."

He smiled, ruffling her hair gently. She made no move to bat his hand away and his smile grew just the slightest bit larger.

"Of course. I wouldn't dream of doing anything else."