Ohana Reviews

Review ~ Her Life Became Mine

Her Life Became Mine by Elementary519

Reviewer: Kailucy

I'm so sorry for the wait. I had it done for a few days but my internet was acting up making it hard to type up. I hope this makes up for the wait. 

Title: 4/5

The title is good. It makes sense with the story and quite literally tells you what will happen without going overboard.

Cover: 4/5

I actually like the cover. The color scheme is nice and I like how the placement of the title. The only thing I'd suggest is maybe to blend the photos a little better so it looks a bit more natural but otherwise, I like the style.

Blurb: 3/5

The blurb is decent. It does everything it should, introducing the main character and the main conflict/plot. There were a few sentences that were a bit difficult to read though. I tried to fix them up a little but I didn't want to ruin your style so I just reworded things a little. It does read a little better but it's definitely not perfect.

"Angela is an ordinary 12-year-old who has trouble fitting in and finds herself in a world very different from what she's used to. For one thing, her counterpart is known as a hero there. But that girl by the same name has disappeared. Making all her responsibilities Angela's. Even more perplexing is that some of the people in this world aren't humans but animals with human-like characteristics. And if that's not enough, there may be a plot in her life all because they're look-alikes. Will she find out what happened to the original Angela and get back to her world? Or would it be up to the mysterious device now on her wrist to choose?"

Plot: 17/20 (spoilers)

I don't really have much to say about the plot. It was for the most part engaging and had several twists in just the first five chapters. It was pretty good the only things I feel dragged it down were the things I'll mention in the next points.

So far we meet the Main character and see her working at a pizza place. She explains that she's twelve and her family doesn't have much money. On her way home from work she gets pushed off of a bridge and then bam. The main plot comes in. She's teleported to another world where her look-alike with the same name is a superhero. So far we see her confusion as she tries to figure things out. Which is understandable to say the least. I find the plot very fun and interesting. I'll probably continue to see where else it will go.

Now I feel bad that I don't have much to say here so I'll mention a few (probably very wrong theories) Is this like a parallel universe thing? Since they have the same name and have the exact same looks. But at the same time, I don't know if there's enough evidence for that theory to be right. Well anyway, I like the plot so far. It's paced decently and it's kept my attention.

Character: 12/15

Okay, so this is where a point or two was taken off of the plot point. The characters are by no means bad, I just don't care all that much for them at the moment. Maybe it'll change when I read more but as of now, I don't really care much about them.

I think the main reason is because they feel a bit flat. I can tell Angela isn't satisfied in life and craves some sort of adventure (which she does get) but so far that's most of the character. I don't see much other personality yet. Of course, as I mentioned above I read to chapter five so my perspective could change, and taking the MC's age into account I'm gonna try not to be harsh. This is just to help so if you don't find my words helpful just ignore them, you are the writer so you are in charge.

So from quite a bit of research, I've gathered some things on making characters more dynamic. (writing characters is difficult so I have to continuously figure out new ways of writing them.) I'll put the points that I found the most helpful here just in case you might also find them helpful.

1. give them a goal.

The goal doesn't have to be a long-term goal either, it could be just for a chapter then they have another later. Just make sure to set up a goal for them that they can work towards in the chapters.

2. give them a quirk. Make it somehow memorable. There are plenty of lists that you can find that you can search through to find the ones that will fit the character. Quirks should not replace identity.

3. Give them a mood. What are they feeling at the moment? How can you express it?

4. Make them make choices. Sometimes the best way to show something about a character is by having them make a choice. For example, a character who unwraps something and throws the wrapper on the ground even though there's trash nearby. It's a choice that gives insight into the character.

Also maybe as an exercise make a short summary for each character. For example, Angela- a 12 year old girl- (and then summarize the character in 1 line)

Make sure the summaries don't all look the same. You need to give all the characters something to be remembered by.

I think you have a decent grasp on Angela honestly, it's more of the side characters that felt a little flat. And as I mentioned take what you want/need and ignore what you don't. I only want to help.

Writing style: 16/20

I like your style a lot. It's simple and easy yet fun to read.

These were the notes I took while I was reading.

Don't have to specify Angela's Pov. Just putting Angela in bold is good.

The first line is hooking! Great start.

Maybe don't write the whole chapter in italics.

The first paragraph is a bit clunky. Maybe try wording it a little differently. "Working at a pizza restaurant is hard enough, but now they want me to serve the guests in their personal rooms." Honestly, you could take out the next line. It's already hinted at that she doesn't love working there. Just a suggestion. If you choose to keep the line maybe reword the one that comes after that to "But I accepted it because it's what the job entailed,"

Love the character descriptions and the details of the park she's at.

Some things are mentioned a lot making it redundant, I think it would do the trick to hint at it, or state it directly once and only make small remarks after. For example: it's already hinted that her parents don't have a lot of money, so when she's rationing her food you don't have to directly say it cause the scene implies it.

Nice detail of her having an old-fashioned phone.

Overall, you have a nice style but I do feel like hinting/showing things could improve it. Don't tell everything let the reader see it and connect the dots.

Grammar/spelling/vocabulary: 16/20

There were some mistakes and some sentences that just didn't read well. I corrected some of the mistakes. (I think I got quite a few) but I didn't really dive into anything else. Some of the sentences were hard to read or clunky. Maybe see about an editor?

Chapter One: Take out "anyway" in paragraph two.

Chapter Two: "Well, I'm in NO place to judge,"

Chapter Three: "Why else would you..."

"Short-sleeved"

Chapter Five: "After we got our ice cream and I TASTED mine..."

Spell out three.

Engagement: 7/10

I did enjoy it, there were some times I wasn't sure what to think but plot-wise I found it engaging.

Overall: 79/100

Overall, I think you have a good story and potential to make it great. Best wishes with your future writing/editing!