I was supposed to be a snitch, not some lackey listening to Wham's Last Christmas blare throughout the store. The only way my demotion could be worse was if that annoying Mariah Carey Christmas song came on again and a hundred kids decided to carol along with it. The Big Guy would say it's penance for some of my hijinks in the toy department last year. And for messing around with his daughter. I bristled at the unmistakable whir of an approaching grocery cart. Any moment now...
"Pick me!" The shouts came from all around me. Much more of this, and I'd need something strong to survive the next fourteen hours with my sanity intact. Fortunately, the beer section was only a few aisles away, provided I could escape long enough to guzzle one.
The "pick me" chorus crescendoed as the cart neared and the woman pushing it came into view. She had big, brown eyes, lips like pillows, and dark hair that spiraled several inches past her shoulders. She was probably in her thirties, still a hottie. The woman passed by and browsed through the decorations. With a sigh, she deposited an angel tree topper and a tractor ornament into the cart, then turned toward the toy department, stopping briefly to acknowledge my presence with a tilt of her head. She'd be back, and I'd look forward to the view.
Customers grabbed for garland and stretched for stocking holders as they hustled into my section, and the beautiful woman returned, her cart brimming with toys, coats, and board games. Two children followed closebehind. Now and I cringed. The lady had quickly gone from datable to I'd-better-run-awayable. The girl appeared to be about ten, and the boy was probably six. Both had tufts of white fur, likely an animal's, stuck in the Velcro of their jackets that were too light for a Midwestern winter. The kids pointed in my direction. Naturally, I looked everywhere but at them. Christmas season was incredibly busy after all.
"Mom, they've got them! You promised us one last year," the daughter said as she headed my way.
"Today's the first time I've seen them all season." The woman pulled a tissue from her pocket and the boy tried to squirm away from him as she wiped his nose. "We're only buying one, though."
"Really?" The girl's eyes lit as her mom nodded. The boy's devilish smile was the stuff of my nightmares. "Which one should we get?"
Two kids-possibly more, and an animal, too. The home from hell. This didn't bode well at all. I needed to keep calm, be invisible, and let them choose someone clueless about the trouble ahead. Anyone but me.Anyone from the pick-me crowd would do. There had to be at twenty of them who were very willing to go. I took a step backward and teetered before falling onto the floor. Shoot.
"I think this one chose us. Maybe he should be our shelf elf." The woman reached down as I tried scrambling away. To my chagrin, my magic never worked when parents or their insufferable children were looking. "Of course, we'll need to come up with a name, but that'll wait until we get home. Your sisters get to decide, too."
"We should call him Glitter." The girl took me from her mother, held me close. Practically smothered me before her brother jerked me away from her and nearly tore my arms from their sockets.
"No, T-Rex!"
My name was Hans, not Glitter, T-Rex or anything else this wretched family could dream up. Hans Klinkenhammer.
"Come on, kids." The woman took me from her son and deposited me atop a boxed Barbie doll. Pretty sure the doll winked as I rolled away. "We need to buy some dog and cat food, too."
If the humiliation didn't kill me, the animals would.
Author's Note:
I'm back. Hopefully? Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed it, please vote. If you have some ideas for the name of this elf, please leave one in the comments.
