I Don't Love You

8

The Start Of It All:
I remember waking up the next morning with a pounding headache, and the knowledge of my involvement in the actions the night before sitting in my head. I didn't feel weird about it. I felt as though maybe I was supposed to feel awkward about it. But I simply didn't. I felt fine. Everything felt like I was just simply waking up next to Frankie like usual. However, stupidly, we snuck out last night, and didn't return home, clearly.
"Shit! Shit! Frankie!" I shook Frank. "What, Jesus Christ Viola let me sleep I got this pounding headache." Frank snapped, not even opening his eyes. "Frank we gotta get home." I sighed, throwing my dress back on from the night before. "Viola what are you.. oh shit we gotta go home." Frank sat up fast, putting his clothes on. "Are you okay? Do ya need anything girly?" He came over and moved my hair from my face. "No no I'm okay." I shrugged  "Are you sure?" He pointed at me as he buttoned his jeans.
It was nice to be checked up on. I feel like if Frank hadn't made things so simple, this particular moment for me, would have probably been quite overwhelming to say the least.
"Yeah yeah I'm okay. Thanks though." I stood up. "You look good." He smiled. "I look like shit." I sighed, rubbing my eyes. "Sorry, my bad." He used his snarky remarks. "Oh shut up." I laughed. "Hey I hope you don't feel weird or anything now. It was nice Lala. You did good." He elbowed me softly. "Thanks Frankie. I feel the same as always honestly. And hey, you did good too." I shrugged. "Oh I know. I give a stellar performance in everything that I do." He smiled.
Frank always had a sorta cocky demeanor. It wasn't anything harmful, but it could lead people to believe that he was a total asshole. He had quite a way with words. Never shutting up. He was quite loud and always joking. I believe from what I have seen, that he's still like that now, definitely more mature, not as much of an alarming smart-ass, but maybe still a bit. I don't think he will ever retire that.
"We gotta get home though really La. Christmas Eve is my moms day, and she's gonna beat my ass. Oh and your mom will not be very happy with you not being home." He says down next to me. "It's not my moms day, she gets Christmas Day, my dad gets Christmas Eve." I shrugged. "He won't care?" Frank looked over at me. "Nah, he never really does. He's a lot like your dad. You know that." I responded. "Yeah but my dad is all fun until something important. You know he would beat me black and blue if I wasn't home on a holiday morning." Frank leaned his head on my shoulder. "Eh my dad doesn't care. If I tell him that I was with you he wouldn't care. My dad likes you." I leaned my head against his. "Wooo! One of them likes me! Bullseyeee." He threw his arm up in a cheering motion.
Nerdy. Nerdy is the only way to describe him.
"Can you take me home?" I lifted my head up. "Yeah we gotta go get a car and I'll drive you." He smiled and jumped up. "Alright let's roll out princess." He did gun fingers at me and winked, walking the other way.
Considering that the day after would've been Christmas Eve, I shouldn't have stayed at that house anyway. When you are a teenager you don't think things through before your brain moves to do them. I guess you could say these were the halcyon days of my life. The days of my life where things were very carefree and happy. Things were easier when I was that young, and I never realized it until I sat here to write and look back on it. Doesn't that sound crazy? It took me writing a nonfiction novel to realize that being a teenager was damn easy compared to the hardships of now.
I remember walking straight to Frank's moms house, she was waiting outside on her porch. Luckily for me and Frankie, we were slightly smarter than you can believe. We figured she would be sat outside, wondering aimlessly where her child was, calling my mother and asking my mother if her child was also missing. We spent our short, but pleasant walk, brainstorming ways to deviate the problem.
"Hey ma'..." Frank have a sideways smile as he looked towards his mother, me next to him. "Frank Anthony, where the hell have you been?!" She looked at him, she was well.. visibly irritated. "Sorry mom, me and Viola went to hang out with some friends and we accidentally fell asleep, but hey it's early and we are home." He waved his hands out doing a "jazz hands" motion. "You two are always in some big fiasco aren't you? Your mother is worried sick Viola. Of course you are supposed to be with your father right now, but just because he doesn't care does not mean you can run off." She looked at me.
Frank's mother had a tendency of mothering me as well. When you grow up in someone's household. Spending over half your life there, their family becomes yours. His mother was more of another mom to me. When me and Frank did something we weren't supposed to, you bet your ass Linda Iero was going to get on both of our asses.
"Oh come on mom don't blame her it was my fault. I wore her out." He smiled.
He knew he was making a cocky remark that only I would get. Because I was the only person who knew about what had unfolded the night before.
"I will get into you later, for now, we need to get her to her fathers house okay?" His mom looked at both of us. "I'll drive her home, can I borrow the car?" He bounced up and down a bit. "Just take it. Get her home and we will discuss punishments when you get back." She pointed at him. "Mom come on." He sighed. "Don't worry I'm not grounding you from your little girlfriend right there. Even though I should." She laughed softly. "Goddamnit mom shes not my girlfriend." Frank looked down at his feet, his face turning red. "You wore her out though right?" His mom looked at us. "Mom not like that! I'm just loud! Jesus." He rolled his eyes, looking over at me and giving me a "oh shit" look. "Oh I'm just teasing. Okay go, go get the girl home." She shooed us off the porch.
We got into Frank's moms car and started driving to my dads house, it was about a 15 minute or so drive from his moms place.
"I thought it was going to become a damn bloodbath Viola. I totally thought she knew and we were both dead." He laughed. "How would she even know?" I looked over at him. "I don't know, maybe moms have sex sensors or something." He laughed. "I hope not, that's just creepy." I leaned my head back, looking out the window. "You alright?" He glanced over at me.
Truth was I wasn't all that alright. I felt guilty? Not guilt necessarily. More like something I had done was an invasion of my life. I knew I didn't regret having sex with Frank, but my brain felt regret for having sex in general. I think it was the terror of knowing that at any moment anyone could find out.
"Can we keep this between us?" I looked over at Frank. "Yeah why wouldn't we? It's no one else's business." Frank shrugged. "No one has to know. You have my word." He patted my shoulder. "Is that whats wrong?" He smiled a bit. "Yeah." I laughed at my own stupidity. "Hey I didn't know if it was that or the fact that we agreed to get ice cream together today, and it's damn Christmas Eve. Nothings open." He looked over at me. "Shit. That would've been good too." I joked flicking his cheek. "Right? Like come on does everywhere have to close on Christmas eve? It's not even the actual day." He ruffled my hair. "Right? I was just thinking that." I laughed and leaned back. "See, great minds think alike. And you are my soulmate." He pointed at me. "Platonically, of course." He smiled. "Yeah, of course." I shrugged.
I think part of my teenage mind wanted him to not add platonically onto that. My disastrous mess of a teenage brain. I figured out how to keep my thoughts in one place now, is astonishing how much you realize when you are an adult. I remember watching then as Frank tapped his fingers on the steering wheel of his moms BMW (which was surprisingly cheap for its time). I sat, still, watching. Almost as if I was a corpse in the passenger seat. His voice was brilliant, quite captivating. Frank was, and well, still is, immensely talented. But I'm sure you all know that.
"Snap out of your trance we are at your dads house girl." He snapped in front of my face. "Sorry, sorry." I shook off a bit and went to get out of the car. "Hey I know I'm hot but I had you mesmerized." He winked as I walked over to his window. "Yeah sure." I rolled my eyes. "Have fun." He smiled and leaned out the window. "Whatever." "You'll have a good time. Your dad gives good gifts." Frank shrugged. "Oh shit speaking of." I said to him. "Let me run inside I actually have something for you." I added and turned. "Save it, I'll catch you tomorrow when I am at my dads to grab your gift k?" He grabbed my hand to stop me from walking inside. "Oh okay." I said. "Promise I'll see you tomorrow." He kissed my hand gently. I walked up to my porch. "Love ya sweetheart!!!" He screamed as he drove away.
I think it was normal for us to say "love you" at that point. After being with someone everyday of your life, you love them, right? Frank at the time was simply admirable. I think it's very easy to love Frank. Or even simply someone like Frank. Half the world fell in love with him. So it proves he is a sensational guy. I see things that he does still to this day, it's compelling. His devotion to the art that he makes is wonderful. Absolutely lovely. I will never not be proud of the sensational things that he has done.