Under the Radar

Chapter 3 - Now or Never

Warnings: Angst! Nick being a dick, some sexist/misogynistic language 

I'm excited for what's in store!!

*

You could barely sleep after he left. You managed to grab a few hours...somehow...but you laid wide awake just after 5am. Your mind couldn't settle. You just replayed what he'd said over and over again.

No drive. Beige. Nothing. No drive. Beige. Nothing.

He was embarrassed of you. All this time you had hoped you were wrong. That you were overthinking it. You had clung weakly to the idea that he'd dismiss such a thing if confronted.

But you were right.

He was ashamed to be seen with you. Ashamed if anyone found out that he was sleeping with you.

The worst part was...he wasn't entirely wrong. You knew that about yourself. You played it safe. You liked it comfortable, you liked a sure thing. You knew if you went for a promotion you'd probably have a good shot at it, but you were afraid to fail. Afraid to be bad at something. You knew your job like the back of your hand. You were good at it because you knew it so well. Your fear was what stopped you from taking a leap. From learning. From being out in the field. It was cowardly.

You were such a coward in fact that you had let this man walk all over you for so long, too afraid to question him and risk bringing down the fragile house of cards you'd built. Of course he didn't respect you. How could he? You barely respected yourself.

There had been a moment though...When you questioned him about his soft treatment in the bathroom....how he held you...you could've sworn you saw a moment of weakness in his eyes. A hint of admission that you'd hit a nerve. That maybe it did all mean something.

But you couldn't think like that anymore.

You needed to stop obsessing over every detail in an attempt to find the words he wasn't saying. Stop fruitlessly trying prove to yourself that he cared about you. It was all so clear now. He didn't. He never did.

As much as your heart ached, the revelation was freeing. You had your answer. It wasn't the answer you wanted, but now you knew. You could draw a line under all of this and move on. Maybe, in time, find someone who would be proud to have you on their arm.

You smiled, the glimmer of optimism lifting you from your funk. In a strange way, Nick had given you a new lease of life. You would prove him wrong. Prove him wrong about all of it.

*

It was nearly 6am when you admitted defeat and accepted you weren't going back to sleep. You normally didn't get up til gone 7, but you decided to start your day. You had two choices: mope into your laptop and try to keep a low profile to avoid Nick, or walk into work with your head held high and prove he hadn't broken you.

You chose the latter.

And...it wouldn't hurt to show him what he was missing, would it?

First order of business - remove temptation. You deleted Nick's messages from your phone. Deleted your call log with him. Blocked his number and deleted his contact. It wasn't like he messaged you much anyway, but this way you avoided any urge to text him - and couldn't be swayed if he tried to get back in touch (unlikely, but good to be sure). It felt a little sad to remove them, especially the easy back and forth of your banter in the early days. The little jokes. His compliments. All sent to the digital graveyard in the sky. You sighed. A good first step.

After showering, eating breakfast and firing off a few explanatory texts to Annie, you opened your closet to find something to wear to work. You flicked through your endless work blouses and pants, all perfectly fine, but you wore them everyday on rotation. Beige. Some were a bit too big, some a bit too bland. Your non-work clothes were too casual...you didn't really have anything else to wear except...