bloodsucker | eren jaeger

missing persons

my shout came out softly; pathetic almost, "but i don't know anything!" the tears welled up in my inability to hold them back. i could feel them spilling out over my face; but i couldn't register that i was crying. jean moved his hands, gripping the back of my neck and waist before pulling me into an almost crushing hug. "you do. or you would be here asking." he had a point and i hated it.

his words seemed to bring me back to reality. everything went numb again. my eyes stopped watering and i wasn't breathing automatically. i had to force my body to suck in breaths. jean continued, "i can't tell you. i don't really know anything more than you do, anyway," he sighed, "and you can't know. you'll end up just like marco and i can't have that" he slipped; he knew it. i felt his head fall against my shoulder in defeat. who was marco? i wouldn't ask.

i was suddenly glad that eren wasn't here. i knew things would go differently if it was him i blew up like this at. jean's voice; his logic, brought me back. from anyone else, i wouldn't listen. probable not even eren. i hugged jean back; i guess we were in the same boat after all.

my walk back to my own apartment felt like one of shame. all that and i was still no closer to understanding a damn thing. a text went off on my phone. wishful thinking and circumstance made me believe it was eren. my heartrate upticked, only to return to normal a few seconds later.

reiner:

have you seen bert recently?

you:

no i haven't seen him since the fair

everything okay?

reiner:

the trost fair? when was that

you:

um literally like two weeks ago? you don't remember?

reiner:

why would i remember?

you:

because he said you went with him....

reiner:

now i'm even more confused

you:

uh yeah aha so am i

reiner?

what's going on

bffr don't leave me on delivered

a sinking feeling arose in my stomach. was bertholdt okay? the text from reiner sent my mind down an even bigger spiral. why did everything suddenly feel like it was caving in on me? i was starting to question the very constructs of this world; and now bertholdt and eren had both vanished? reiner must be having memory loss. it was the only logical explanation i could come up with.

i started to question the possibility that bert had lied at the fair. maybe he really was on a date and didn't want to tell me. why not? we were friends, weren't we?

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

a few more days had passed. i was doing better; i guess. hanging up the mirror in my room, i saw that the purple marks on my neck were gone now. i took a shower that lasted hours: shaving, exfoliating, deep conditioning. and then i put makeup on and dressed to the nines; telling myself i would feel better. and i did. i don't think i could go back to feeling a security in the world like i had before the closet, but it was a start.