STUNNED

Chapter THIRTY-THREE

"I hope I can say the same- nasaktan." Pinili kong itikom na ang bibig matapus sabihin iyun at hayaang tumulo nanaman ang luhang ilang buwan ko na ring naging karamay. Kung alam lang nila ang nararamdaman ko, kung gaano ako nag-sisisi na dinamay ko pa si Noah dito, kung sana ay hindi ko na siya ginulo pa nuon at pinilit na tulungan ako sana ay hindi siya nawala. Sana may masipag at mapagmahal na Tito Noah sila Nessy at Missy. Ni hindi ko na nga alam kong paano ko pa si Tita Norma haharapin. I brought death to her husband and as well as her son.
Hindi ko kayang magpakita pa sa kaniya.

What feel right now is not just being hurt but dark and appalling. I feel lost, I feel worthless, disappointment.

I heard the door closed and I assumed Waxton finally leave me alone but then a rough callous hands patted my back, robbing it up and down in a slow rythym.

"I'm sorry anak." I know it was Julius and It made me even cry harder hearing him called me "anak". Six months had pass and this is the first time he visited me. I don't know where he goes and what he do pero hindi ko itatangging siya ang unang hinanap kong sasama sa akin sa pagkakataong ito. But like what I've said, he left.

"I'm sorry dahil kailangan mong maramdaman ito para lang sa kaligtasan ng nakararami but I'll tell you Liv, you are the most amazing person that I've ever met. Because of what you've done, you able to save hundreds of students and maybe hundreds more kung hindi pa napigilan ang mga Thana. I know just talking about it is torture to you dahil nakita mo silang lahat, nasaksihan mo lahat kung paano nawala sayo ang mga mahal mo sa buhay. But you know what?" he gentle cares my hair, stroking slightly its strands.

"It's inevitable to feel pain and regretting everything from time to time however, there are times that we really have to get up and continue walking again. When I saw you cried when we found Noah down at the cliff, i regretted what I did to your life. You are just a little girl but all of people abandoned you. And I am one of them, but let me refrain what we had Liv. Let me help you up. This time I will never abandon you." Hindi ko magawang makasumagot dahil sa panghihina. Pakiramdam ko paunti-unti ako nauupos sa bawat araw na gigising akong bitbit ang katutuhanang wala na si Noah.

But each days I am slowly learning that I will never be the person I was before. Things happened, and my heart was shattered. Pain went through me like thread through a needle, and roughly tacked the broken parts of me into its very colour. I know that this, too, will be okay one day. Like the time when I had forgotten how to breathe and pretended to live normal just to not let myself worry about how it truly works, and then slowly I found myself doing it without even trying. That if you wear a mask for too long, eventually it becomes a part of you.

But I dont have to wear any mask if the world aren't too cruel for me. But since I have no choice, I learnt how to carry the weight and still live a little in my own way. Though that pain will always be here, and the only way I can do is by accepting its existence. I realize that no matter how much I regret choosing wrong things in my past, it won't change my future. Noah and the other students will still be part of the Thana's experiments but the difference is, I couldn't do anything about it. Because if Noah didn't able to fixed me, I might be the only person to stay and pick up parts of me alone. I will never experienced comfort on my worst days. And probably never bothered myself for someone else's safety, like I was with Noah. With all of realization I don't think I can find closure or reasons to forget him.

All that's left now is the consequences of my choices and I don't know how to accept it. And I don't want to make justifications for anything I did. But Julius is right I need to learn how to stand up alone. I need to get up and pick up those broken pieces of me. I need to teach myself that there are things that are beyond my control.

Noah is gone and I have to be the one who fixes myself. Because other people can't do that for me. Julius , Waxton, Hunter, they surely helps, but if I don't know how to fix myself alone, I might lose myself completely. Noah started it and it has to continue.