Moving forward

choosing death

Choosing death, what is choosing death.
Why is so hard for me to decide if I want to live or die. The never ending thought that I don't have the guts to actually pull that trigger, to actually slice the knife deep enough into this pale freckled skin, to not throw up after i've downed those pills. Do I just not have enough reasons to go.  Am I not hurting as bad as everyone else? I am hurting right. People tell me im lucky that I have mixed thoughts about killing my self, "At least you don't think you could actually do it" But the knowing of that only drives you more insane. Makes you look harder to find the things that are telling you to go, It makes your poor little mind want to prove it can and will. I was always the girl who dreamt of having someone to lean on, the absent feeling of my father my whole life made me crave one to trust my life with. The feeling I once found within someone, I leaned on him too much, based my happiness off of him. Made my whole world revolve around him, let him ruin me I needed it so much that I gave it my all. sometimes my all was too little. other times it was way too much. The only thing I now lean on is my words. but even then am I heard? actions speak louder then words is something I always follow by but how do I act on these words i spit..

near death .
coming so close to death is something i will never be able to explain, did it nock some sense into me. The feeling that seizure brought me ,.. was that influence even worth it. I always thought I wanted to leave this earth until that moment where I realized I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone. life's would have been shattered, do I mean more then I thought I did. waking up confused with ivs in my arms , being blacked out fading in and out for 11 hours. My mind was so filled with substances I couldn't think. How do you know when it's time to stop? Is coming that close to death the turning point. or is that the motivation to crave it more. At times I feel I enjoyed that, the pain that it brought me, the pain that experience brings me everyday , it's well deserved for this fucked up mind. Other times I feel like shutting down, closing off the world but in that moment I did. It hurts me not to remember every second, only having very few memories. Is this what I was made for? feeling delighted by the pain I endure. I feel embarrassed to be me. walking into someone's life knowing I'll ruin it. the holding back that comes with every last breath I breathe. this polluted air feeds me, Knocks me down. But not until that moment did I feel it abandoned me. Taking everything from me so fast fucking with every part of my body. Do I want to die?, or do I want to live. You see it comes in times, times that you can be so greatfull for the life you live in others dreading the life u have made for yourself. it sticks with me like a voice in the back of my head that is so damaged and weak where it can not be heard. A voice that only speaks when is written. A voice my own self can not speak out loud. all those nights I came so close to giving up feeling horrible the next morning that i didn't go,  Begging and praying to god to take me, should i be ashamed or proud of myself for not going that far. it's scary knowing no one will ever understand since I don't quite understand my self, will I ever be helped in the way I need it. I've recently stopped self harm, 6 months clean. constantly im considering to just cut once,, but i don't trust enough for one. every single fuck up in life is illustrated on every single scar that has been left on this hated body , I've gotten better i'm to a point where I get so angry i dig my fingernails into my skin praying for the blood, self harm but not in the way it was. Times i feel so ashamed to be alive where I want to rip my hair out. and I do. Just the change between self harm even leaves me wondering if anything is worth it. I have never been good with change never knowing if it's right or wrong for me, a million and one fake personality's surround me saying I don't need to change but a million and two in the back of my head telling me to pull that trigger . To bleed out in that bath tub, To make that scene it so wishes for. But that just comes with not knowing. comes with the blind spots in life. The blind spots I have yet to turn far enough to see. Will I ever come strong enough to know.? Ever gain the strength to speak these words I write. I now sit in a puddle of silence every night not knowing what to do next. do I choose death or do I choose this horrible life i've been given. is the boy im with now my reason to stay or am I making another mistake piled on all the others to live for one person when hes thankful to live for hundreds. I wanna see the world through a happy point of view. see the beauty life gives us, will I ever if I don't alow myself too. It feels as if im living in the dark so much light surrounds me but it's out of reach. Out of reach not out of sight, I find myself looking for the light at times, craving for that new beginning, desperately wanting to try and get better but wanting to give up at the same time. I'm at a loss in life but once you get lost I know you can be found, you got lost from being on a path and i believe I can find that path again if I try and look hard enough. But ive come to a point in my life where I dont want to look for it anymore, it feels i've given up on anything and everything in this life that could give me a reason to stay. constantly fighting with my self not knowing if I should stay or go. I wanna feel like I want to have a reason, I want to feel wanted, feel like im enough for one thing in life.
finally  I feel it with him..