The Dorm Keeper | (g)i-dle

111 - THE GUILTY ONE

Am I.. going crazy?

"Who are you?!" I shouted, panicking as I held the knife in the same position, half an inch closer.

"What are you so afraid of? You're a monster and a murderer. You don't deserve to live at all."

I cried as I wished for the voice to stop, but it didn't and it kept going until I was finally pushed to my limits.

"I-I know that already!" I surrendered as I began the attempt to kill myself. I moved the knife away from me and when I was about to use force to shove it inside my chest, someone suddenly barged into my door.

"Yuqi-yah!" I heard Miyeon Unnie shouting from a distance. The light outside was so bright that I could barely see her at first. "What are you doing?!" She said, obviously panicking, as she took the knife away from me and threw it on the ground.

I was miserable and I didn't know what else to do. The voices kept coming to me and all I could think of was die. I felt so pathetic and useless that I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I've kept my head down since then, but Miyeon Unnie made sure to check up on me fully this time.

She gently raised my chin, so that our eyes would meet. "Tell me, what's going on?" She asked.

I just shook my head, refusing to say anything because I knew that she wouldn't understand. Although Abby Unnie is important to her as well, she can't possibly know what I'm feeling right now. I'm the reason why she's locked up in jail and it's different than just losing someone important to you. I have to deal with the guilt and regrets, to which she doesn't have to.. So why bother to tell her now?

"Alright then.." She seemed to have calmed down a bit, even after seeing all the bleeding cuts and bruises on my whole body. "I love you. You're my family member and will always be. You matter so much to us, remember that okay?"

I nodded as I tried hard to wipe my tears, but they won't stop coming out. "I-I know, Unnie. Thank you."

Then she offered me a glass of water from my bedside table. "Drink up."

I took it and she instantly saw that my hands were still trembling, so she helped me to hold it until I was able to chug it all down. She took some ointment and bandages from my first aid kit, hidden in my closet, then she came back to help me clean up all of my wounds.

After everything that she has done for me, she suddenly laid down on my bed and just looked at me.

I was confused as to why she seemed to be staying longer in my room, so I asked her. "What are you doing, Unnie?"

"I'm going to watch over you for the meantime," she calmly replied.

"Huh? But why?"

"Because you can't be alone right now." Her eyes seemed worried as she answered. "Also, according to our managers, you and Soyeon will both get weekly therapy sessions starting tomorrow, and until the doctor says that you're better, I'm going to be your roommate."

"Look, I don't need you to babysit me." I firmly said. I felt like I was being pitied and I didn't want her to get involved in my issues too.

"I'm not babysitting you. I'm just going to make sure that you don't kill yourself tonight, okay?"

In the end, I decided to give up and listen to her. I figured out that there was no way I could persuade her to leave me alone, especially after she saw my condition.

The both of us just looked at each other in silence for a few seconds, until she started a different conversation.

"Do you think Abby will forgive us?"

I simply shook my head as I sadly looked at her. I've never really had the chance to talk to anyone about Abby Unnie since the accident happened, so what she's doing right now is actually helping me a lot. It's not my family or my members' fault though, I just never found the right words to describe my emotions, so I ended up choosing not to speak up all the time.

"You love her a lot, don't you?" I asked as I saw her, blankly staring on the walls. She seemed to be in deep thoughts.

She was obviously flustered by my question. "How did you know that I still do?"

"I don't know. I've just been observing you every time she's around. I saw how gentle and supportive you've become to her.." I took a deep breath as I continued with my realizations. "I'm at least thankful that you didn't hate me after what I did."

"It was an accident, Yuqi-yah. None of us wished for it, nor were we given a chance to set things straight and fight for her. So I don't hate you.. I could never hate someone like you."

I smiled bitterly upon hearing that. "I wish I could still love someone the same after what happened."

She seemed certain as she replied. "..Soyeon, right?"

I was taken aback with such a straightforward answer. "But how did you know?"

"The same as you.." She answered nonchalantly. "I've just been observing."

"But I don't love her that way now. I can't, especially after what happened." I immediately explained. "At the back of my mind, I kept blaming her for asking me to pick her up that night. I know that it's not her fault, I kept convincing myself that.. But the voices inside my head won't let me rest. It kept accusing her of bringing me to my demise. I'm afraid that one day, my love for her will completely turn into anger and hatred."

In fact, my feelings for her were the reason why Abby Unnie and I were arguing at the time of the accident. It's because I heard that Soyeon Unnie used to like her. She tried explaining everything to me, but I was too heated up to even listen to her and from there, things started to go downhill.

"Have you confessed?" She asked.

"No.. And I don't plan on doing so. There's no reason for me to do that now. I'm just relieved that someone close to me knows how I truly feel before desperation eats me up and makes me forget that she's the woman that I love."

There was this unexplainable sadness in her eyes, but she didn't say a word. She didn't try to convince me to change my decision and just respected it. Miyeon Unnie has always been a great support system in our group. Although she seems like she's not the oldest member on TV, there are a lot of things that only she can do. She's very reliable and trustworthy.

The two of us decided to take a rest for a few hours after an overwhelming sequence of events and amount of information that we shared together. The moment I woke up, she was already gone and I heard her preparing dinner with the rest of our members in the kitchen downstairs.

I was alone again, and tears suddenly started falling on my cheeks as the accident relentlessly played on my mind. The same thing before Miyeon Unnie came was repeating all by itself. I gained a little bit of comfort after talking to her earlier, only for me to drown in guilt afterwards.

And at that moment, I knew that it was still a battle between life and death, regardless of the amount of support that I get from the people around me. But as someone who couldn't do anything to save the person who sacrificed herself for my sake, I deserve each and every bit of what's coming to me.

To be continued..

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