it's so fucking ironic
the shit we hear about and learn about
we always fall for it anyways
only the most fucked up ones do
they always do
we've been so deprived our whole lives
we're power hungry
we're desperate for control over ourselves
being so starved of self worth
funny how that shit works
i think about how this could fucking kill me and it makes me want to laugh
it's such a comedic joke if something like this were to kill me
how fucking depressing
how fucking idiotic
but even then i can't stop
it's like i crave something so deep within myself i need to pull that fucking shit out
i crave the fucking attention
i crave the fucking worry
i crave the look on everyone's faces
so maybe then people will realize
i'm more fucked up than they thought
not that i'm not strong
but that this shit has a lasting affect
something that scarred so fucking deep that i can't even control myself sometimes
that i cry and fuckimg scream and bang my fucking head against the wall and use my textbooks as a fucking punching bag
and maybe then they'll realize the shit i went through
because my heart wasn't just broken
it was ripped out of my fucking chest, shown to me, and grated with a cheese grater until it was nothing but a pile of disgusting and liquid mush
i've never been the same
i don't even know what i was like
i don't even know if i ever knew what i was like
i'm so starved
i would eat that mush and eat it and eat it for myself to be whole
if that's what it meant
if that's what i had to do
instead i'm a sick fuck and i hate myself
i hate myself more that anything in this world
and i hate myself because i hate myself
i look out the window and think of what it would be like to throw myself out of it
second floor, i would maybe survive
i look out into traffic and think what if i just ran out in front of that car, how funny would that be
how hilarious would that be
i feel my heart skip a beat sometimes
the kind that makes your head feel detached
your body separate
for just a second
i pause in anticipation
thinking this could be it
but it never is
nothing could be worse than this eternal hell
this flesh
this prison
