A party for me

Ahh nooo, why? I didn't want such agathering. I mean, maybe I didn't voice it enough before, but I toldmy parents I didn't want so many people. I knew they wouldn't listento me anyway. And I was right eh.
Anyway, there are some peopleI like. Some of them I don't even know, but whatever. Remember when Isaid I didn't want flowers from a boyfriend? Well, someone broughtflowers. Everything is not as I wanted it to be. Although I don'tneed to stress that much because, after all, I didn't organise it. Itwas someone else's idea and I just had to adjust. I'd love to justget up and go, but I can't. So somehow we'll get through, because wehave to. Although it will probably be boring. Unless they saysomething interesting this time, we'll wait and see. Oh, I haven'tseen my bestie yet. I wonder if she will be here. I don't expect herto be but I think I have to admit that somewhere deep down I wish shewas here for the occasion. That friend of mine heh. It's always greatspending time with her. I have to say what I think about her outfit,after all it's my duty as a best friend. It's a good thing shedoesn't have to judge my outfit because with her I always look boringeven though I try to look interesting. She just has a talent for it.Speaking of friends, I wonder what Adam is thinking. There won't bemuch of a chance to talk now with him, unfortunately. Oh well. But Iabsolutely have to see the boys' faces. Somehow, I don't know why,but it seems to come as a surprise to them although we talked aboutit.
In any case, the company here is nice. You can spend timepleasantly with everyone. I only try to avoid parents as much as Ican. But it's not that strange that a teenager doesn't want to talkto her parents. And I know it's a bit of running away from theproblem, because in the end I'm the reason we're all here but shh.
Now I don't particularly have to deal with anything but it stillfeels so awkward somehow. Because I feel like all the pressure isstill on me. Well, it's my party after all but I would prefer it ifit wasn't so focused on me. It feels guilty. It feels like I'm takingup everyone's time. I don't want them to be here and at the same timemaybe a little bit I do. And I do care. I care a lot about whateveryone is thinking right now and how it all looks. Even though I'mdead I still feel responsible for everything that's happening in thepresent. But maybe this is the last time I feel that way. Becauseeventually after the funeral everything should return to normal. Atleast that's what I'm hoping for. I torture myself with all thethoughts. So maybe this is the last time it happens. That's what I'mhoping for...