Desirable (mxm)

twenty-six; back on track

"Why did you think he'd be upset with you?"

I shrug. "Because it's disgusting."

Layla frowns. "Do you believe that masturbation or any other sexual activity is disgusting?"

"Maybe."

"Why?"

My elbow leans on the arm of the chair and I prop my head against it. "Because having a sex addiction is stereotyped as disgusting, dirty, and sloppy. I went to some grotty bathroom in the park and masturbated, I'm pretty sure that's illegal."

Layla leans forward again. "Milo," she grabs my attention. "You're right, sex addictions are stereotyped. But that's the thing, they're stereotypes. Having sex doesn't mean you're disgusting or dirty, masturbating doesn't mean those things either. Society might have something to say about those acts, but sexual need and desire are natural."

I snort. "Yeah, but what I have isn't natural. Wanting to fuck and orgasm all the time isn't natural. It's downright disgusting."

"But that still doesn't make you disgusting," she clarifies and then studies my expression. "You've been saying that word a lot, has it got to do with something someone has said to you?"

A sigh leaves my lips and I stay silent. My stomach churns and I've been trying to block out the words that left Nate's mouth the day we met. How venomous they sounded.

"Yeah," I whisper after a while.

"Who?"

My throat closes up because I don't know if I want to address this right now, but if I don't, I'll leave this room feeling tense and unsettled.

"Nate," I find myself admitting. "When we met and he saw me with another guy, he told me to get my disgusting hands off him. I guess it's stuck with me ever since."

"And did you tell him how that made you feel?"
I simply nod, trying to calm my breathing.

"And what did he say?"

"He apologised and said that he didn't mean what he said, he was upset."

"Does he know about your addiction?"

"I told him, yes."

Layla analyses me for a moment before crossing her legs. "Did he react the way you expected?"

My head is shaking before she even finishes the question. "No, I thought he was going to reject me and tell me to leave him alone. But he didn't. He listened, he told me that he wanted to be with me. I don't understand why."

The room falls to silence for a few moments and my mouth twitches, a question desperate on my lips. She waits as she can see I'm wanting to ask something.

"Is there any hope for people with addictions to be in a monogamous relationship?"

"Of course there is, Milo." She bows her head. "You are capable of being in a loving, monogamous relationship with your mate as much as anyone else can be."

My heart quakes in my chest. "But what if I hurt him?"

"Okay," she nods. "Let's imagine a hypothetical situation. You and Nate are happy together, but one day you go off and end up with another wolf."

I wince at the thought. It almost turns me inside out from pure agony.

"How would Nate react?"

My eyes blink rapidly. "He'd be heartbroken, he'd never want to be with me again."

"And that thought scares you?"

"Terrifies me." I clarify.

"Then use that as an affirmation or a declaration to yourself that you won't go and let your addiction win," she speaks with sheer determination. "The thought of seeing Nate hurt, or broken by your actions, use that as a statement to yourself that you can do this. That you can live a happy life with Nate, not having to worry about committing adultery."