Desirable (mxm)

twenty-four; hiding away

My eyes crack open at her last words. We're all so concerned? Probably thinking I'm a liability.

"We just want to help, tell me how we can help."

"You can't," my voice cracks. I haven't spoken in days. I don't even know when I had a drop of water last.

Maybe this is it, maybe I'll just waste away because it's what I deserve and nothing more.

This life has always been cut out for me and I need to accept it.

"Why can't we?" She asks again.

I hate that gentle voice, she knows what she's doing but I won't give in.

I'm exhausted and it's better if I keep myself away.

"Milo, please," she says with a struggle. "I love you to death and I hate seeing you like this. Please tell me what's going on."

My eyes close again and I move the blanket to cover my face.

"Is it about Nate?"

I sink into the sheets and squeeze myself into a tiny ball. Nate. I don't even want to hear his name right now. Not when I can barely think of our last meeting, what I did at the sight of him. Oh my God. I'll never, ever, live that down.

How could I ever face him again after that?

"Milo," she whispers. "You don't need to go through this alone, isolating yourself isn't the answer. Come talk to me or Everett or someone. You don't have to shove yourself into a box, we will try to understand how you're feeling."

They could never understand. They don't know what having an addiction is like and how it makes you feel worthless every hour of every day. It's like I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I am a decent person, when really I'm a waste to society.

Reign sniffles and then she stands up from the bed, the wooden slats creaking. "Okay, well," she says under a hushed breath. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

I hear her footsteps as she walks across my room and then pauses at the door, but after a few moments she exits and I finally pull the covers from my head. I don't want to be such an asshole but I want to be alone.

I want to punish myself for this.

"Angel," I hear Everett's voice outside the door. "Don't cry."

Fuck. My heart clenches. She's crying?

I don't deserve these people, I've never deserved these people. All I do is hurt everyone around me, especially those I care about and it needs to stop. All of this needs to go away before they truly hate me for acting out.

"It's okay, he'll come around soon."

"But what if he doesn't? He won't let us help him and I can't see him like this. He's self-destructing and it's not healthy, he's going to make himself sick if he carries on. Has he even eaten anything in the last two days?"

"Angel," Everett says again. "Take a breath, I don't want you panicking."

For a moment their hall voices turn silent and I despise myself for putting her through this. I could get out of bed and tell her that I'm fine, that all of this is fine. But she'll know I'm lying and I'll make everything worse.

Somehow I always do.

"Let me talk to him," he says. "See if I can get around him. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Go downstairs and make yourself some peppermint tea," he mumbles. "And I'll be down when I can. Don't be upset, angel. Sadly we can only help people who want to be helped."