Lovers Rock

5

I wake up and stretch my arm out to turn off my alarm. As I go to rub my eyes, my hand closes and I wince in shock. Last night then comes flooding back to me and I groan. It's going to be so hard to work today with my hand in this condition. I drag myself out of bed, being careful not to touch anything with my injured hand.

Even getting through my morning routine proves to be a challenge. I'm so 'excited' to see how today will go. Once I'm done, I change the bandage and put on clothes. I lay back down and close my eyes, still feeling exhausted. I didn't get much sleep last night on top of everything and I already know I'll be grumpy well into the day.

I make it to work on time and luckily there's no tours this morning, so I have time to relax. Just as I'm about to doze off, there's a knock on the door. "Fuck me" I mutter under my breath as I sit up straighter before telling them to come in. The smile forced upon my face falls as soon as the person comes into focus.

She smiles shyly and I just stare blankly at her. "What happened to your hand?" she asks softly, "do you actually care or are you just asking out of courtesy?" I counter. Her eyes fall to her feet and I can tell she's uncomfortable. I know I shouldn't be this way but, I feel like I can't be vulnerable with her at any capacity anymore.

If she's just going to leave again then what's the point? "Of course I care about you..." she mumbles, "did you need something?" I ask and notice how she shifts on her feet. "No... I just wanted to see how you were doing" she voices, her gaze finding my own once again. "I'm great. I have to prepare the boat" I inform her as I stand up, trying to get myself out of this.

Being around her, even for just these few minutes, is making my heart race. I can't be cruel to her but I can't trust her just yet either. It's better if I just give myself time. I grab a few things and gently brush past her, making a beeline for the boat. "Please, Tia. I'm sorry" she voices, I can tell she's close behind me by the way her voice carries softly to my ears.

"I don't doubt that" I assure her as I step into the boat and start fiddling with the ropes. I could do this much later, it doesn't take long but, I just really want her to go away. Yet, part of me wants her to stay. So I take longer with it, acting as though I'm deeply concentrated. "Do you forgive me?" she asks quietly and I close my eyes for a moment.

I can hear the hurt in her voice and it sends a sharp pain to my chest. Just say yes, idiot. I don't reply and after a minute or so she sighs. "Ok" she mumbles before I hear her footsteps retreating. I stand there frozen, not daring to look in the direction in which she went. I don't think I could handle seeing her walk away from me. There's nothing I want more than to run after her, but I can't.

I can't allow myself to get sucked back into her world. She has a way of pulling me in, like tides to the sand. However, much like the tides, she's unpredictable. I feel we—I— constantly oscillate between wanting to surrender myself to her and being afraid to be around her. It's like I can't control myself even after something as simple as eye contact with her.

I get through the few tours as quickly as possible so I can go home. All I want is to lay in my bed and go to sleep. Of course, once I'm there, that's the last thing I can do. I decide to watch tv to distract myself from all the thoughts of her. The more I try to forget though, the more she just pops up. It's like I'm focusing so hard on not thinking of her, that I think of her even more.

A knock sounds through the house and I sigh in relief; hoping it's something stupid or silly that will stay with me long enough for me to sleep. I open the door to see her standing there with a big, yet nervous smile on her face. Her lips pressed tightly together as she holds a bag in her hand. I think she waits for me to speak but, realizing I'm not going to, she decides to just go first.

"My sister umm... she told me you guys went to Harvey's? She said you seeemed to really like it so... I brought you some since—I'm sure you can't cook with that" she chuckles nervously and for a moment we just stand there in silence. Eventually she hesitantly holds the bag out for me to take. I wait a few seconds before reaching for it, our fingers brushing on the handle.

I feel a shiver course through my body but try not to let it show. Based on the way her smile seems a bit more natural, she definitely noticed. "Thanks" I mutter, feeling as though it'd be rude not to. I mean, she went all the way over there to get it and then bring it to me. It's sweet and I almost invite her in because of it, but remember the boundary.

I know I set said boundary but... I'm regretting it now. I want her to come in, hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I know she'd do it if I asked, she shifts on her feet just waiting for an excuse to further engage with me. However, my brain's need to defend me—won't allow my heart the room to take charge. "You're welcome" she whispers after a while, I think accepting the fact that I'm not going to ask her to stay.

"You know... I know I really screwed up. I guess—I guess I just didn't expect you to care. I'm sorry..." she mumbles, biting her lip nervously and I have to turn away for a moment. I take a deep breath to center myself before facing her again. I still can't look her in the eye so I just choose to stare at her nose. Which then leads me to her lips... and I have to look away completely to stop myself.

"It's ok" I state softly, "it's not... you can't even look at me" she whispers and the break in her voice causes me to turn and face her. "Because if I look at you—if I look into your eyes... I can't do that to myself" I admit, not being able to quite say what I want to. "You don't trust me anymore..." she presumes and I don't reply to which she nods understandingly.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like that..." she whispers shakily, "and I'm sorry I'm so god damned emotional" she chuckles sadly. "I am too..." I confess and it's silent between us for a moment. At the risk of completely breaking down, I raise my eyes to meet her own. She stares back at me, eyelashes slightly wet from holding back her tears.

"It hurts... a lot..." I whisper, "I know..." she affirms. "You don't have to forgive me. If you feel like—if you feel like it's best we don't..." she trails, biting her lip to stop it from trembling. "I don't want that" I state firmly and she lets out a breath while nodding. "So..." she prompts, "so... I'm going to eat now and—we'll see each other later" I decide and she nods again.

I almost think she's lost her ability of speech until she opens her mouth. "Good night, Martina" she mutters and out of everything else, hearing her call me that—that hurt the worst. She turns around and as she gets to be a few feet away, I call her name. She spins on her heels and looks to me hopefully. "I prefer Tia" I say and for the first time she actually produces a genuine smile.

"Well then, good night, Tia" she teases, biting her lip cutely which instantly melts me. "Good night, Delia" I reply and when she turns back around I notice a little pep in her step. I giggle softly as I close the door, turning the lock as I lean against it. I smile and push myself off, a little extra energy to my own walk. I practically inhale the food she bought before heading to my room.

For the first time in days, I actually don't have trouble falling asleep. In fact, as I closed my eyes and began to drift off, there was a smile on my face.