Desirable (mxm)

nineteen; reject me

"Any suggestions?"

He chews on his lip as I continue to scroll through the movies. "We could watch The Green Mile. Have you seen it?"

"No I haven't," I admit. "Is it good?"

"One of my favourites. It's sad though so I'd say to buckle up."

I feel my eyes begin to light up like a Christmas tree. One of his favourite movies? I'm going to be all over that shit. "I'll put it on," I say as I search for the title.

The movie begins to play and I settle into the pillows to get comfy. Nate's eyes wander from the screen and then to my legs and my face. I can see out of the corner of my eye but I don't point it out until he does it a third time.

"What's wrong?" I say after a few moments.

His eyes shoot wide and he shakes his head. "Nothing."

"Because you keep looking at me like you're dying to ask me something."

His throat clenches at my words and his eyes fall shut, body drooping as if he's done something he shouldn't have. I lean over to pause the movie so that I can focus on what he has to say.

Nate's dark eyes find mine again and his expression drops to a look of sympathy or pity? I don't know but it unsettles my stomach.

"Nate," his voice comes out wobbly on my tongue. "What is it?"

The blood inside my body turns to stone because I hate the way he's staring at me right now, it sends my anxiety to another dimension and I don't like waiting for the punchline.

He closes his eyes and presses a hand to his head, frowning as he does so. "I-I," he starts and I lean closer to hear him better. "I saw your medication upstairs."

I blink once then twice. The medication I haven't even started.

My tongue escapes my mouth and I lick my lip because everything inside me is becoming increasingly dry. "Right," I sink into my position.

His eyes glitter with concern and it shocks me to my core. "Are you okay?"

I can feel the heaviness of my chest begin to take over. How do I even answer that question? I could straight up lie but I know he'd feel it down the bond, that I'm altering the truth to stop him from thinking I'm absolutely batshit crazy.

"You can talk to me," he shuffles closer and I wish he doesn't because I can smell our mixed scents and it makes me want to open up. To let myself be vulnerable with him. "Just like how you listened to me today, you can trust me."

Inside my head it feels like chaos but his voice coaxes me out of that mindset slowly. He's right, I can trust him but it's his reaction that I don't trust. I wanted to keep this as a secret for as long as I could, at least until he liked me a little bit.

We've only been growing our relationship as of the last week and I don't think we're at that level for him to understand, not when it's the reason he was so upset with me in the first place.

"Milo," he whispers and I have to glance away before I deteriorate into nothing. He places a hand on my knee. "Hey."

My throat clenches like I've swallowed razor blades. Fuck. Fuck. I shouldn't have left them out, I forgot they were even there to begin with.

"You're going to see me differently," I find myself admitting with a heavy voice.

His brows pinch together at my words and he shakes his head. "I won't. I promise."

"You don't know that," I grip my hands into fists, pressing my nails into my palms to relieve some of this anxiety that is rippling through me. "You don't know how you're going to feel."