miracle | tayley

daydreaming into the night

     So many little moments in her life happened here... And some not so little moments, too, she thinks, recalling one very significant, very memorable milestone in her life that had occurred on the couch in this basement, though to her great relief, not on this specific couch.

     Once upon a time, a young Hayley Williams had, not her first kiss, but what felt like her first real kiss, while making out with Taylor York on the pull-out couch in his parents' basement, in the aftermath of a very long, and very alcohol filled practice.

     It was their first year touring, and they'd been all over the map, emotionally. Hormonally, they'd been right on target though. With all engines firing on that front, it hadn't taken more than a single spark to ignite the powder keg between them.

   
     Hayley isn't even quite sure what had happened. She knows she was planning on spending the night anyway, and then band practice turned into drinking and joking around. Eventually, all the boys headed upstairs to crash and Hayley got comfortable on her usual spot on the couch.

     Hayley wasn't surprised though when, hours later, Taylor crept quietly down the basement stairs (skipping expertly over the creaky ones) before pausing at the bottom and whispering, "Hayles? You awake?"

     "Yeah, I'm awake," she'd whispered in reply.

     "Can I come in?" He'd asked, and she'd known what he meant. Can I get in bed with you?

     They'd been sneaking into bed with each other for years. Not like that, just for companionship and comfort, especially when they were away from home for shows. Their parents were aware, but it was heavily frowned upon. They still did it though, they'd just gotten sneakier about it since they'd been told, gently, that it really wasn't appropriate at their age.

     Hayley hadn't seen what the big deal was, although she'd blushed furiously when she'd heard Justin mutter under his breath once that he didn't understand why his girlfriend couldn't sleep over but Taylor's could. She'd been mortified, but pretty sure that no one else had heard it, except Taylor, who was equally embarrassed.

     That night though, she could tell by the tone of his voice that he needed to talk to her, and despite her earlier embarrassment, she could never turn him away when he sounded like that. Taylor tended to get this particularly husky rasp to his voice when he was serious.

     "Okay," she said quietly, into the dark. "You can come in."

     Whispered secrets and heartfelt reassurances had slowly given way to shared, drunken curiosity. A stolen kiss and a surprising desire to touch and be touched had led to a desire for just a little more, and before either of them knew it, they'd been making out in his parents basement.

     Afterward, they'd been terrified, realizing how close they'd come to doing way more than either of them were even remotely ready for. Breathless and trembling and equally shocked by the sensations they'd just coaxed from each other's bodies, they'd sat, silently, in the darkness, waiting for the world to end, or at the very least for Taylor's mother to come downstairs at any moment, demanding to know what in the hell they thought they were doing (they didn't know.) 

     In actuality, they'd done little more than round second base, though the feelings they'd elicited in each other without ever removing a single stitch of clothing still boggles her mind to this day.

     Who could have known that grinding against a fully-clothed Taylor York in his parents' basement while his hands mapped the contours of her chest would be her intro into the world of sexual gratification? Who knew that her best friend, her bandmate, would be her first... Partner? That she'd be his?

     Well, in hindsight, Justin probably knew... And Zac... And Michelle and Cristi. 

     Actually, probably everybody except me and Taylor, she thinks, wryly. 

      She's still glad that it was Taylor who'd first taught her what her body was capable of, despite everything that came later, and she hopes he feels the same. That night had been sweet and tender, and he'd been really good to her because he'd been her best friend, and he'd loved her. She couldn't really ask for more than that from their barely-teenage selves.

     She thinks about the vulnerable young girl who'd hoped he'd want to do it again, want more emotionally, even if she'd inadvertently shut him down without meaning to. From even those early years, they seemed to both communicate and miscommunicate with unparallelled ease. 

     Eventually, there was another boy. Taylor did not end up being her actual first, but she's always sort of felt like in the ways that counted he kinda was. Besides, that guy hadn't even been able to make her finish, despite the fact that they were having actual sex, and neither had the one that came after him. Eventually, she'd found a guy that could, but it'd never been like that first time with Taylor, again. 

     Well, not until the second time (technically, first time) with Taylor. The time she tries not to think about, because the aftermath, the loss of it all, is too painful. The time they made Rowan.

     Hayley rolls onto her side on the thin mattress, overly warm. Her cheeks are flushed and hot, and, she realizes with a start, she's gotten herself all worked up by reliving her childhood indiscretions with Taylor.

     She shifts uncomfortably, wondering, sardonically, if she could still avoid all the creaky stairs on the way to his bedroom. She presses her thighs together and grinds her teeth. It'd be an even worse idea now than it had been back then, so much more complicated. And, emotionally, she is so not there, and, sadly, probably never will be with him again. And yet, knowing that does not ease the ache she feels low in her belly. 

     It's been a long three years, she reasons. 

     That's the only reason she's feeling this way. It has nothing to do with Taylor York, specifically. At least, that's what she tells herself until she falls into a fitful sleep.

     In the morning, she wakes up frustrated and grumpy.