Caught in the Middle

Chapter 2

I even secretly designed a dollhouse of my own as part of my healing process to get over Carina and let go of the dream of having a family with her. That was a surprise admission for both me and Diane when we were talking about who I am, now that I've been more comfortable in my own skin, and who I wanted to be.

It turns out that I still loved running even if it was my dad who set me on the path to being good at it, so now I only did it for fun. I became a firefighter for myself because it was something I wanted but it took a lot out of me to find joy in it now. I wanted to become a parent with Carina, and it freaked me out when I realized that I could actually see a future for myself where I'm a mom to an adorable kid like Antonio.

But for now, I was adamant to make sure I don't end up in that particular future since I'm still convinced that I'll become a parent like my dad, if I was ever blessed with the opportunity. It's the reason I declined Molly and Beckett's offer when they asked me to become Antonio's godmother. I loved that kid more than anything in this world, which is why I can't take the risk.

I can't ruin his life if something happened to the people that kept me sane. I was happy just being his fun aunt that he has sleepovers with, learns curse words from, plays with him in the park and takes him on fun adventures. Teaching him fundamental things parents should, was not something I can see myself thriving at.

With my luck Antonio will end up more broken than me, probably using drugs to escape my moods or running away after I snap at him for losing a game or getting bad marks. No! No, I was not capable of embracing that dream. Diane understood my reservations and has been trying to find ways to help me work through my fear and insecurities to either let it go in a healthy way or gain the courage to move past it and chase that life after I leave Seattle.

That is how we got to the part of me designing a dollhouse for the imaginary kid that I would've shared with Carina, in the fantasy world where we were happily married. According to Diane, truly embracing the possibility of my dream life as a whole, should shed light on my personal desires and needs.

I closed my eyes and envisioned our child playing with their dollhouse with Antonio, and the rush of warmth in my heart brought tears to my eyes. The two kids standing side by side while they plan an elaborate scenario for their dolls. Carina rolling her eyes at me over her glass of wine, pressing her feet under my legs to stay warm.

Antonio dressing his firemen in their turnouts and opening the garage doors so he can take the trucks out. Our kid hanging the sign on the big white building to indicate what their dollhouse will be for the day. When they crack it open in the middle, one half has an operating room that lights up, a huge corner office and an on-call room. They're going to save lives like their mama.

On the other half, there is a whole floor that serves as a walk-in closet, filled with outfits and uniforms for all kinds of careers for them to pick from. The second floor houses an apartment with a huge kitchen. The best part of all was that the lights around the dollhouse could change the color of the building to their heart's content.

Our kid would have a better childhood than their parents could ever have dreamt of. They will be able to explore everything this world had to offer and could choose their own paths with our guidance. We would never control them or force them to be anything they don't want to be.

While I was picturing this scene in my mind, I slowly removed our kid from the scenario, only leaving Antonio. The pang in my chest made it clear that it was a dream I held dear to my own heart, but it wouldn't ruin my life if I didn't have it. After that I gazed over at Carina, watching her fade out when she saw the absence of her own child. I gave her a sad smile before she disappeared out of the fantasy too.