Caught in the Middle

Chapter 1

My only saving grace was that I never let jealousy consume me over the bond my brother shared with both our parents. I understood their obsession with him because he was my favorite person in the world too. If it weren't for Maya, the guilt I carried over his death would've killed me.

Guilt for not believing him when he knew that his patient was a human traffic victim. Guilt for being persuaded into tailing a criminal, when we should've waited for the police. Guilt for losing sight of him in the busy train station, which allowed some lunatic to stab him. Guilt over needing to find comfort in Maya's arms, the exact minute he started bleeding out. Guilt over letting him die alone and afraid, when it was my job as his big sister to protect him.

Maya made sure that I knew that I still had another half of a whole to cling onto after I lost him, and that it was possible to breath without him, no matter how much it hurt. She's the reason I was able to work through my past so fast with Dr. Hilliam. Because she already carried me through the worst of it.

Now my therapist wants me to keep avoiding Maya in order for me to make my own decision, unbiased of her opinion, while in the same breath, asking me to talk to my tormentor. "Why do you think he reached out?" That was the same question I asked myself when I received an email from him, out of the blue, asking me to call him.

After ignoring the email for a few days, he sent another one stating that he wanted to apologize for the pain he caused me. From the emotional and verbal abuse I had to endure as a child and as a grown woman, to condemning my marriage with Maya when I told him about her, and everything that happened in between.

"He's asking for forgiveness, which makes me think that he's either dying or becoming senile. Or most likely, he's trying to appease Paula and using me as a chess piece in his little game of manipulation." Paula has been kind enough to send me weekly updates on my father's health and promised me that he was still taking his medicine and has become a wonderful man. I call la porcheria on the whole thing.

"When we talked about your father before, you mentioned how he's never apologized for anything in his entire life. The picture you painted of him was one of ruthlessness, unrelenting pride, and misogyny. Isn't there a small part of you that sees his attempt to make amends as a step forward? That you could be allowed to feel positive feelings towards your father?" I roll my eyes at Dr. Hilliam and shake my head.

Let them who live in glass houses be the first to cast a stone. "When can I see Maya again?" I steel my gaze when he sighs loudly at my abrupt change of subject, but I become frustrated when he doesn't relent like I thought he would. I've seen Maya give this same stare to people a lot scarier than Dr. Hilliam, watching them scamper and bump into each other in their haste to get away. Why couldn't that intimidation rub off on me?

"I'm not choosing your dad's side, Carina. Helping you is all I care about here. Which is why I think having that talk with your father will be nothing but beneficial for you. Either repairing the damage done or finding closure on that chapter on your past so you can move on with a pure heart, leaving the hate and resentment behind." He spins his chair around and bends over to search for something on the shelves against the wall.

He pulls out a bright yellow notebook with a matching pen and slides it across his desk to me. I raise my eyebrow at him. "Tell him everything that he has done that made you feel the way you do about him. Get everything off your chest and give him something to work off of. If he doesn't respond, then you leave your baggage on his doorstep. Let it become his cross to bear and relieve yourself from that burden. No harm done."

He shrugs his shoulders and blows imaginary dust out of his palm, an indication that I should let it go. "But if he wants to earn his place in your life, then don't close your heart to it and let the 'what if' taint your soul." He pushes himself up on his forearm to lean closer to me.