✵ SWEETER THAN HONEY ― nikolai lantsov ✵

Yi

"This might actually work," Genya says, her voice slightly breathy.

"It's worth thinking about," Alina admits. "The Darkling will expect an attack, but he won't expect this."

Mal stays silent for a few long moments. "All right. But if this does go wrong. . . we all agree what has to happen."

I swallow. One by one, we all nod, until Alina is the last one remaining.

"I want your word, Alina," Mal says, his eyes determined.

Alina dips her chin. "I'll do it."

"Good." Mal gets to his feet and takes her hand, pulling her up. "Now, let's who Misha how bad dancing's done."

"Kill you, dance with you, any other requests?"

"Not at the moment," Mal says with a grin, then pulls her out of earshot.

I feel something resembling resentment jolt through me upon seeing them like this, the two both knowing that in no world could things ever be perfect between them, and yet still stubbornly staying so incredibly in love.

Is that what Nikolai and I could have been had I not made the decision that I'm leaving for Shu Han? Is that what we were meant to be? A girl and a king in love against all odds, despite every logical thought the two bear.

I blink and realize tears are stinging at my eyes as I watch Mal and Alina do an awkward yet somewhat lovely waltz together.

I force my gaze away and look down at my hands.

And I feel that tidal wave of sadness leer over me, threatening to bubble over and shatter the fragile walls around my heart that are bound to break with every passing moment. I push that feeling down, down, down into a corner I won't find because I don't have time to process these emotions, and I definitely don't have time to yearn for what might have been.

I know acceptance is near, and I know soon I'll come to peace with what has happened.

But I don't want to accept anything.

I don't want to believe that he might really be gone forever because I'm going to fall apart and I'll be weak again without him, and I don't want to heal because one day I might lose every little vibrant memory of him and I'll never be able to recall those amber flecks in his eyes or how he prefers brandy over kvas or how he only forgot to be Ravka's dutiful prince when he was with me.

I shake my head to clear my thoughts and force myself to focus.

The next day we find the Bittern and land in a pasture west of Carveya where Alina tests her ability out on Misha, making him fully invisible. The long, agonizing few days are spent training her, pushing her to her full limits in shielding all of us with the light while Zoya continues guiding me with the amplifier.

I've begun to grow used to it, the comforting feel of the power the firebird offers, the connecting between the creature and I that fuels me with each time I use my ability.

Alina attempts to make Tolya disappear, but as he jogs across the deck of the Bittern, the image flickers as though being blown away by the wind, the hazy lines of his silhouette just barely visible.

"I can see him!" Zoya sings tauntingly.

Alina drops her hands in exhaustion. "Let's break for a bit," she offers.

Nadia and Adrik unfurl one of the Bittern's sails so she can teach him to manage updraft with his one arm while Zoya lazily lounges on the deck. David and Genya are seated next to each other leaning over a notebook and puzzling over where they'll be able to find components to create lumiya.