In The Cards

two.

sunday service.

October 8th
H, TX
Knowles:

"I think we're stable enough now," I felt like a beggar, all over Rai's body, not wanting her to leave but knowing she had to go. "We've got the money now and we've been going to therapy and stuff."

Rai turned around slowly, holding my face between her hands. She kissed me from my forehead to my chin, calming me the moment her lips touched me.

I could be high strung sometimes but that's why I had Rai. She reminded me that life was for living, not all this worry I placed on myself. I was not a lover of worry, but I was a lover of Rai.

"Lovey are you sure you want to have this conversation so early in the morning?"

"Yes I'm sure," I leaned onto her body and placed my hand on the belly that she worked hard to keep this flat.

There was a deep yearning inside me for more of Rai. I'd wanted to plant a seed for years now, my heart and soul sure that I would love Rai forever. I wanted to start our family and give both of our parents more of us to be proud of.

I told her, "I don't want to be selfish or inconsiderate to you."

She gave me full attention, "I would've shut this conversation down if that's how I felt baby."

"I want you to have everything Rai."

"There's no rush lovey. We've got plenty of time."

We, in fact, did not have plenty of time...

My body yanked out of my bed in a cold sweat, tears rushing down my face. I sat up against my headboard, pulling my knees to my chest. I rocked back and forth, my teeth chattering, becoming the only sound I could hear in my bedroom.

I couldn't even move from where I rocked, my thoughts paralyzing me.

Rai was all over my brain, the last moment we had together forever etched in my memory. It felt like God was playing a sick game with me, allowing the love of my life to tell me we had more time knowing we didn't.

I missed her and people kept telling me that time would heal these wounds etched on my soul, but it had been three years and I still couldn't sleep a full night.

There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't miss Rai. Everything reminded me of her and every single thing hurt. When her parents and mine told me it was best for me to stop wearing my wedding ring, I cried for days thinking that they were trying to get rid of her. Eventually, I knew it had to come off. I would end up thinking about Rai 24/7 even though that was already the case. My ring felt like an anvil wrapped around my ankles.

But I kept her with me, kept my ring laid on my nightstand next to my bed. Even though I could barely sleep at night, I knew she was here with me, sitting in my misery beside me.

I sat there, rocking in my bed until I saw the sun coming up. If Rai was here, we would be watching it rise together.

My body gave up, sliding down onto my bed, my eyes filling with silent tears. I missed her so much, so much of the time, and no one would ever be able to understand.

Rai was everything to me. She made me look at therapy in a different light, she helped me make better health choices, she even had me volunteering, telling me that I was a light. She was the reason that my mom and I joined the Modern Widow's Club. If Rai hadn't been the woman she was, we wouldn't even know where to find these women.