𝑬𝒑𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝑻𝒐 𝒀𝑯𝑾𝑯

𝑰

My mother is just downstairs, she has enough on her plate than to be dealing with my pestering friends.

I pressed a finger on my temple to massage my impending headache.

"Shut up!" I exclaimed, having enough of their banter. "It seems you're forgetting that you're my guests and should start behaving like one."

"What is this one talking about?" Rahila hissed. She reached for her bag on the floor, bringing out five packets of cheese balls, Isoke's favorite snack. "Good thing I always come prepared."

I rolled my eyes, dropping my pen.

"Please hand me my bag next to yours."

"I know you... you stole these from your mom's supermarket," Isoke said with her mouth full. The crumbs falling on my bed sheet made me recoil, hoping it won't leave a stain or attract insects. "And Binta what's your problem today? Abeg if you're on your period let us know, I don't have patience for any attitude."

"Just pass me my bag."

I grabbed my bag myself. Today's further mathematics class was on trigonometry and I couldn't understand half of what he was saying. Plus the man is already planning a test on the topic soon. Rahila and Isoke's antics won't be the reason I'm behind.

"Eyaa further mathematics, it's a good thing I offer economics." Isoke said.

"You guys aren't being helpful today. Why'd you even follow me here?" I don't have time to handle your bratty behaviors is what I was itching to say.

Rahila sighed, "Babes, we're sorry. Clearly something is bothering you and instead of getting to the root of the issue we're being annoying as usual."

"Yeah, Sorry Binu." Isoke said, her big eyes pleading for me to forgive them.

As usual I gave in.

With that out of the way I practiced a few trig questions, zoning out my two friends. It's just me and my book.

I was chewing the tip of my pen, something I do when I'm stuck in a solution, thinking of how on earth to tackle the question. If the cosine of theta summed with the sine of theta is equal to one then...

Dang it.

"I'm going to get snacks."

In society my family is seen as the ideal example of a family everyone wishes to have. Two 'loving spouses', three beautiful and gifted children consisting of a son and two daughters. A son whom everyone is expecting great things from, and two daughters everyone is expecting to marry the richest man. Everything is going smoothly according to their assumption.

We have always been good at putting up pretenses.

No one sees the pain in my mother's eyes when she smiles, or the marks on her once beautiful skin. They don't see a son who's left his home because he couldn't stand the pressure, they don't see a little girl who cried herself to sleep every night wondering what went wrong, and they don't see a girl who's lost hope in everything.

A fake family.

I met my mother chopping green vegetables in the kitchen. It was almost five o'clock which meant she had to start prepping for dinner. Her right eye was swollen, a band aid covered her swollen right cheek and her eyes had several wrinkles she shouldn't be having at her age.

Memories of two days ago flashed in my mind. The sound of her screaming, the blood oozing from her cheek and splattering from her mouth.

I went to check.

I gave my mother a weak smile. "I just came to grab snacks."

She held me back before I could dash out of the kitchen. "You don't have to pretend, you can tell me if anything is bothering you. Open up to me oh, I'm still your mother. Are you fine? Things will get better soon."

How long is too soon? When he finally drives a knife through you?

Sometimes I wish she wasn't weak. I wished we could run away from here and start a new life. I wished society wouldn't view a separation as the fault of the woman and ostracize her. I wished she didn't have the mentality that she had to endure everything for the sake of marriage.

"I'm fine. My friends are waiting for me."

"God is in control." I heard her say, racing up the stairs two at a time.

Are you out there?

On my way I peeped into my little sister's room to check up on her. She was sitting in a corner reading a book quietly. It's all she's been doing since Sunday. Just quiet. No longer crying or worrying, just quiet.

A part of me was worried but the other part was glad that she was accepting. This is no one's fault, it's our life and we'll have to live with it.

Live with the pretense.

"I brought snacks!" I dropped the items in my hands immediately. I looked up to find Rahila and Isoke reaching for the letters on my window sill.

"What are these?" Isoke asked curiously.

"None of your business, don't touch them." Rahila wasn't listening to me, she began to tear the envelope. "Don't open it!"

She was shocked at my outburst, and so was Isoke.

"Get out!"

They both blinked, looked at each other and blinked again. "What?"

"Get out!" I pointed to the open door. "Leave my house."

Rahila's face turned cold. She grabbed her bag and started dragging Isoke out with her.

Well I didn't care. I can sort them out tomorrow.

My hands were shaking when I reached for the tin can containing the two letters I've written so far. They're safe.

I needed to write.

Dear God (If you're real),

Lately, it's been hard to pretend I have everything under control. When I go to school it doesn't feel like an escape anymore, it feels like a prison. The fake smiles, fake friends and fake concern are suddenly not enough to hide my woes. It makes me feel sick. I want something real, someone I can bear my heart to.

I can feel it within me that I want something more to fill this emptiness in me. It's slowly taking over my sister and it scares me. Are you out there? Are you watching over us? Do you feel my pain? Can you search my heart to find out my secrets?

I'm angry and afraid for my mother because I don't want to lose her. I'm scared of being in this family. It feels like I'm just waiting for something worse to happen, something that will make me snap.

If you're really the God of the Israelites, you set your people free, you conquered nations, battled demons and won. Show me your greatness.

Are you real? Give me a sign, God, if you're there. Till then let's get to know each other... let's be friends. How do I go about it?

A lost soul,

Binta Sinobichukwu.

I tucked the letter into an envelope, making sure to write the date on the front. Before putting it in the can I took my time to stare at the clouds. If you look at them closely you'll see different images forming. One of the clouds resembled a face I've seen somewhere.

I dropped the letter in the can. There's a stone I placed at the hinge of the window to keep it open and another I placed to prevent the can from falling.

I was about to turn around when a white bird flew to my window. Its clawed digits tip tapped on the edges of the tin can. It tilted its head to the side, watching me with small black eyes. The bird used its beak to pick a letter from the can before flying away.

What does this mean? Is this a sign?

I was happy solving my trigonometry equations later in the evening. After a while it became easy for me.

That little moment filled me with something I didn't know I could have again. Hope.

Hope that maybe my answers will be coming soon.