To Lose What You Found

Chapter 57

-Lux-

I am really an idiot.

I just asked Dawson to marry me for my family's sake then came down here and started making out with Ace.

But I really needed this, even if it's taking up the limited time I have with him. I told him about the letter, and his response was a kiss. I didn't object.

"So you don't know what will happen if he says no?" Ace asks, breathing heavily. I shake my head and set my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around me and says, "I... I think that's the best way this could go."

"He's awful."

"I know. But, you'll be safe in the palace."

"I wish I could be with you," I whisper, biting my somewhat sore lip to stop myself from crying. I spent the past three days crying, I need to be tough.

"Lux, I love you. Love you enough to tell you to go to someone else. It breaks me to think about, but it's best this way. Neither of us want to run."

"No, I don't want to. You would've been willing to."

"Lux, I'm done running. I told you that. Death doesn't scare me as much as dragging the one person I love into misery."

"Please, stop," I push away from him. I blink away tears, but they betray me and run down my cheeks. He wiped my tears and says, "Lux? If you had to choose one, what would you choose?"

"What do you mean?"

"Me or... or your family?"

My throat tightens, "Did they tell you? What they asked me? I didn't say anything! I didn't choose!"

"Can you choose right now?" he asks softly. I stare into his widened eyes, eager for a response. I shake my head and look away.

"No, Ace. I wouldn't choose. I cant. I won't," I say, standing up. He spins around and his eyes beg. I shake my head and fiercely wipe my tears, "No. Ace, stop asking me this."

"Please? This is... important to me."

"Why! Why are you asking me this!" I yell, hitting a wall with my back. I slide down and pull my knees close to my chest.

"Just one thing I need to know," he says, tears filling his eyes, "I can't explain, I would if I could."

"Why?" I ask again, shaking. He doesn't want to know the answer, I don't want to. Who can I live without? It's awful to think about.

"Close your eyes," he says, his voice shaky. I listen. "Who do you want?"

I open my eyes and shake my head. He nods and tries a weak smile. I look away and mumble, "My family."

My eyes burn and I don't even try to blink them away. It gets hard to see and hard to breathe. I can feel my nose running but I don't wipe it. I'm frozen, stuck in place. I can't move.

I just told him I can live without him. I'm an awful person. I deserve the worst. I deserve to marry an asshole like Dawson.

No, I deserve to serve in the army. To be in Ace's place.

"Good," he says, laughing. I turn and look into his eyes. Why are they full of relief?

"What?"

Before he can answer, Ash comes to the doorway and taps his watch. I nod and run to give Ace one last hug. I get on my tippy toes to give him a kiss, but he gets away.

"Bye, come visit me, okay?" He whispers before letting me go. I nod and walk out.

I'm numb.