Inure; Accept and bear it

Chapter three: Reaching out

As I enter our hotelroom, I close the door behind me and slip with my back against the door slowly to the ground. Breathing heavily, totally panicking and trying to catch my breath and regain full control of my emotions again.

*** knock knock ***

I jump up and stare at the hotelroom totally in shock. Who is that knocking at my door? It can't be the girls, they have a keycard.

"Algea?"

Omg, it's Gedeon with his raspy, heavy voice. What do I do?
While I am brainstorming and a thousands thoughts running through my mind quicker than the speed of light, Gedeon knocks softly at my door again.

"Algea, please open the door. Don't do this please."

Frozen to the ground I am still staring at my hotelroom. Slowly I raise up my hand to the door handle.

No!

I pull away my hand from the door. I can't open it, I just can't and wait for a few minutes to see what happens. I hear him leaving eventually and I let myself fall onto the bed. Thoughts still dominate my already occupied mind and I can't help myself noticing how deeply damaged I am while my heart beats out of my chest.

***knock knock***

Totally panicked, I jump of the bed and put my ear to the door. Could it be him? Back again?

***knock knock knock***

This time louder. Or was it because I held my ear to the door? Oh God who knows? I am freaking out here.
I hit my cheeks for a little blush, try to straighten my hair and softly open the door.

A glas of Rosé was held infront of me.

"I thought you could use one." Gedeon smiles friendly while offering me the Rosé glass which I took and started drinking as if I was completely dried out wandering the dessert for weeks by myself. He laughed and asked me politely if he may come in.

As I fully opened the door for him, suggesting to walk in while nervously zipping my glass empty, he walked around observing everything as if he inspected our hotelroom.

"You ran off..."

"I did..." I stumbled out.

He walked towards me, stood right infront of me with his face close to mine, our noses pointing almost against eachother.

"Why?"

I scraped my throat, how was I going to safe myself out of this situation? There didn't exist enough alcohol on this whole planet to calm me down. I felt like I was going to pass out and any moment now sweat would break out from every pore of my body.

"You are married." I almost yelled it out, as if I accused him and he took a step back.

"Yes, I am." He said assuredly but there was something missing. As if he had to go into details but he didn't.

He paced around and I stood there in silence, with my empty glass wishing I had a Tequila bottle in my hand.

"I do know. I would never be the other person, never wreck a home, I would never love another man. I never thought I would feel the same cosmic chemistry to someone else other than my late husband."

Gedeon looks at me, suprised, confused but with pity...

"He died?", and his voice breaks down as he asked me and I confirm with a nod, "that's why you ran away twice, I see now."

Gedeon opens up the door to the balcony and sat down. I am not sure if I should join him, but well, it is out in the open now. What's the worst what could happen?

As I sit next to him, we both stare at the full moon.

"Are you happy?" I ask out of the blue after our moment of uncomfortable silence.

"Happily married you mean?"

And I nod again...

He thinks long and hard while staring at the full moon. His face sometimes looks very sad and I feel he tries to be as honest as possible but something or someone is stopping him from doing so.

"We have bin together for 6 years now. I never felt what I felt when I saw you, which makes me think that since I have never experienced this before, I maybe didn't married the love of my life. Which my mom tried to tell me for years, that I just settled, took the easy way out. My parents have it all you know? True love, like soulmates. But what they have, I had never ever experienced that with no one. So maybe I did settle... with less." And he staired sad in front of him.

"I don't know how that is. My husband was the love of my life. Ever since we saw eachother, well lets just say, we both didn't stand a chance. It was love at first sight even though I was only 17 years old."

"Like what happened to us this morning when we saw eachother, that kind of attraction to eachother?" He asked with his deep voice and his beautiful green eyes penetrating my thoughts.

"Yeah, it scared the hell out of me. You have to understand, I would never thought it possible, besides experiencing this with my husband. To be honest, I am not looking for love. Let alone experience the same chemical attraction as I already had and cherish with every fiber in my being dedicated to the memory of my late husband. And by the way, I live in Europe, have two kids, so we were never going to happen anyway." And I laugh at the idea. Just ridiculous!

He laughed also, but as if he wasn't convinced.
"So just friends than?" And he offered me his hand which I gladly accept.

Surprisingly after our rough start, we had a nice long conversation. Sharing our pains in life, but also the joy. Him experiencing joy from his wonderful carreer and I from the beautiful two tiny little people I am blessed with in this life. It's actually quite nice to talk with another man slash stranger about this.

The past year, there were only tears, little moments of joy from the children but always followed with so much pain and mourning. An emptyness behaving like a black hole, sucking all the light out of me. It takes everything I have to raise the children, to get out of bed, to bring them to school and all the hours they are not at home, I hide myself in bed, console myself with lots of dramaseries at Netflix.

After two hours or so, Gedeon offered me a big hug while he stroked my hair.

"This was nice, I didn't know how much I needed this." And with his friendly smile he offered me, he walked away.

The girls knock at the door, I hear them laughing and searching for their keycard. Obviously they are drunk.

As I walk to the door to let them in, I took a deep breath and tried to ready myself for all their well meant attention and worrying they are going to unload on me but determined that the great and especially honest conversation that I had with Gedeon, will be my secret for now.