Without People

II. A Quick Stop... Home

  I hang up. Just told my mom about me getting enrolled in that university in Paris, and she was supportive. I'm thankful, but still not too excited. Either way, it's basically the only option I have, nothing to do about it. Let's go with the flow, right?

  I sit on the driver's seat and rotate the car key to turn on the motor. I check the mirrors, turn on the radio, then turn off the radio because I don't feel like listening to music others choose for me, right now. I start thinking... I make too many rhetorical questions to myself. And I think too much. I also think I got into psychology to try to understand myself better... But is that even possible? I spend too much of my time just talking to myself, wondering, philosophizing, worrying, overthinking... planning things way too far ahead. I mean years and years ahead. I had my whole life planned when I was fourteen. But life took another turn and I haven't been able to catch up with my plans taking into account the options I have now, so they're all in stand by.

  Could this be a mistake? It would be so much easier if I could have an instruction book to life, or a roulette that decides my actions for me... There's so much to life, and I feel like I'm losing it all... Can anything I do ever be enough? Can I feel fulfilled for once in my life? What am I doing? Is this what I want? Seriously, where are my options? I'm trapped.  I almost start crying but I get interrupted by a car honk directed to me and I realize I'm almost out of the road. Remember, Cindy, you're driving! Focus for a second!

  I tune my phone to the stereo, put on one of my rigorously made Spotify playlists and start singing to the lyrics of Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes). 

  I sigh. Lisbon... Going back from where I came... I still want to see more of the world... I don't want to be stuck in one place again for a long period of time, like I've been all my life... You know what? I'm deciding I won't travel on the highway and waste the opportunity to see more of the beauty of Europe. That was my purpose all along... I opened google maps and found a town close to where I am, and that's where I'm going. My first stop. Dinan, France.

*

  I was already close to this beautiful town, so the drive didn't take long. The second I stepped in Dinan, I noticed it had a smell and a vibration I had never felt. It was like the wind was talking to me, the buildings welcoming me with a sense of comfort, the now vivid green trees dancing almost like in a show-off, the clouds moving away from the sun like they knew how much I like to feel warm. The birds were singing happy melodies and the ants moving out of the way so that I can walk without having to look at them (to avoid stepping on them). Everything seems like it's working out in my favor. Or maybe I'm just romanticizing my life way too much and this is all in my head... But I prefer to believe what my mind creates than to listen to the cruel truth sometimes, and that's what I chose to do.

  I'm walking out of a coffee shop after successfully asking for my favorite coffee in the French language. The hot and sweetened drink tastes perfectly and helps me with the slightly cold breeze. I'm about to cross the street when i see a gorgeous-looking old church with a well-cared yard and clean colorful stained glass windows. I'm not religious at all, but the beauty of that place amazes me, so I'm getting my digital camera out of my brown vintage handbag and taking a picture of that view.

  I want to go in, but I need to think twice about it, because if I did, I'd have to talk to people and explain what I'm doing here... Not even I know the answer to that. The curiosity won and as I started walking into the church, the bells rang in nine nostalgic chimes. It seemed like it was nine o'clock. I went in. The door was opened already, and as a total surprise to me, the church was full. I'd forgotten it was also a Sunday. All eyes were now on me. They had already started? I feel embarrassed to be entering those people's cult so randomly, and decide to just sit down next to an elder couple holding bibles. I say (or attempt to say) "Bonjour" smiling at them. They smiled back. I decided to just look at the priest and try to understand what he's saying, but I couldn't concentrate much, since it wasn't really of my interest.