Luke stood there, feeling like his heart had shattered. He muttered out something barley audible.
"..what... but... you said..-"
"I know. I love you too." Zanders sad smile faltered as his eyes became glassy.
"..I haven't been honest.. you don't know what you'd be getting yourself into.." he added on.
"I don't care-! I can handle it!" Luke begged.
Zander just shook his head.
"My mental health is really, really bad. To the point I fear it would begin to affect you aswell. I've attempted suicide multiple times, Luke. I've harmed myself more times than I can count, I'm not stable. Sometimes I start breaking down, and even becoming rude to those I hold dear. I couldn't put you through that, I'm not your responsibility."
"..Zander..-" Luke hadn't expected that. Zander always seemed so collected, he would've never expected something like that from him. But even so, Luke couldn't accept that, so he tried again.
"I don't care-! I can help-! I don't mind taking care of you-! I'll be fine! We can work through it together!"
That seemed to have stunned Zander a little as he stood there for a few seconds.
Then to Luke's shock.
Tears started falling from his gorgeous, periwinkle eyes.
"..I can't.. I don't want to hurt anyone.. being with me is damaging..! I can't look after myself, I can't get to sleep, I can't control my anger, sometimes I go days at a time without eating! I can't push all of that onto your shoulders!"
That broke Luke. He understood, he really, really did. But at the same time, he just didn't care what the risks were. He just wanted Zander.
"..I'll never force you to accept the relationship.. but please.. I don't mind carrying your burdens.. I can do it-! I can handle it!" Luke persisted.
It was all too much for Zander. He felt more tears come to his eyes as he stood there for a moment longer before turning on his heel and walking away.
Luke knew that was rejection. He could see from behind how Zanders arms raised as his head lowered, he was trying to wipe his tears. Luke could hear small gasps for breath coming from Zander. He felt tears come to his own eyes as he turned around, and walked the other way.
For the next few months, they barely talked, Luke still showed up to the cafe, it pained him everytime to see how Zander now just treated him as any other customer, minus the fact he was no longer smiley or made small talk.
He could see how Zander visibly declined throughout the months.
He stopped ironing his clothes first, then he stopped doing his eyeliner, then he was always so obviously tired. So uninterested. A Shell of the boy Luke had known.
Luke still sat looking at him through the windows reflection. Not with admiration, no, not anymore. But with concern, longing and an aching heart to go with it.
He'd give anything to hold Zander, let him cry to him, let him talk to him. He doesn't care whatever emotional toll it will have on him. He's fine with that. But Zander isn't. Luke knew he was doing it out of an act of selflessness, but he didn't care, he just wanted him.
Zander returned home after work, as usual, he walked past his family who were sitting having dinner.
"Alexander? Why don't you sit down? I made your favourite!"
"Charlotte brought in dinner.. I ate at work..." he lied through his teeth, to his own mother.
"Oh? That was nice of her! Why don't you join us?"
"..Sorry im working on my book again."
"Ah.. alright.. I'll see you soon my baby!" Shannon smiled as Zander trudged up the stairs.
When he entered his room, he saw the familiar scene of papers, all stapled together in a way that it was cascading off his desk and dragging along the floor due to how long the chain of paper was. That was his book. That was how he kept it organised.
He threw his bag onto the floor as he locked the door.
He felt tears come to his eyes again as he took two steps forward before falling into his bed and screaming into the mattress.
He gripped at his hair as he stayed in that position for a few more moments as he sat up again. Seeing the kuromi plush Luke had won for him under the covers, where Zander left her whenever he was at work. He sighed as he pat her head and got off the bed. He walked over to the closet, and grabbed the zipper Luke had given him. (A zipper is just a hoodie with a zip) he had never touched it since that day, he'd been meaning to give it back, but just couldn't let it go. He hugged it to his chest before realising, it smelled like Luke.
At the hooded part of the zipper, it smelt liked cheap cologne, a comforting scent. He put it on and zipped it up, there was no way Luke could still be in love with him. Good. He doesn't deserve someone like him.
He looked at the sleeves, they were almost completely engulfing his hands. The bagginess of the zipper made him feel safe, protected.
Or maybe it wasn't to do with the zipper at all.
Maybe it was to do with who it really belonged too.
Zander sat down on his bed as he opened his phone, almost immediately, he was greeted with his photos app wide open on pictures of him and Luke. Right. He was looking at them again today.
He knows he wanted to say yes, every cell in his body wanted him too, but for Luke's sake, he couldn't. Luke was such a bright person, so happy, so kind. Luke couldn't go out with a train wreck like him.
'Trainwreck' the word echoed in his mind, bringing tears to his eyes once again as he shut off the phone and threw it beside him on the bed as he collapsed down into a fetal position.
He cried, he sobbed. He was a mess. He wasn't even human anymore.
He was barely surviving due to the luck of having a large assortment of pills to keep his emotions in check, it scares him, if this is how he is on the pills, what is he like without them?
He lives in constant fear that one day, he might take his own life during one of his episodes.
He's scared.
He's afraid.
His thoughts drifted back to Luke.
Luke said he didn't mind taking care of him..
But even so he couldn't do that.. he couldn't ruin him.. If Luke were to ever date him, that would be game over. He deserves better.
..
Zander felt his fingers twitch, and as if moving on his own, he against his own will, started to text Luke.
You
If you're still willing to take care of me
I'll be waiting
///
WOOOO 2 CHAPTERS IN 1 NIGHT
