How to be Alone

Chapter Five: Confronting Shadows

I realize I'm white-knuckling the remote and I throw it back onto the coffee table. No matter how much T.V. I watch, how loud I turn the volume up, there's nothing that could keep my mind from racing, from thinking about my friends.

I need to do something.

I race down the hall and into the kitchen and grip one of the knives and just stare at it. I look back at the door, then at the knife again. I know what I can do... I go to Christian St, I find their little hideout, I kill them all. Then, I can take Ryan and Anna back home, we can have our town back, and then I can show everyone my cool powers.

I tap my foot on the tile anxiously, building up the courage to just go do it. Finally, I bolt to the door and swing it open, and then immediately I tuck the knife behind my back.

"Uh, hey?" Aahan, on the other side of the screen door, says to me. His hand is raised as if he was about to ring the door bell.

"Aahan, hey," I say. "What are you doing here?"

"I brought you some clothes. I like your outfit, by the way. It looks good."

"Uh, thanks," I say. It's quiet for a second until he lifts a trash bag up, assumedly full of clothes. "Oh, of course," I open the screen door for him and he comes inside. I set the knife quietly down on a countertop behind me and he tosses the trash bag onto the couch.

"I've been in here before," Aahan tells me. "I was friends with Terry when he was a senior. This used to be his old man's house before he moved to Oregon. Remember that? Whole town came out to say goodbye."

"I was, like, ten. I don't really remember much."

"I remember stuff from when I was ten. Anyway, I also put your soap and stuff in there. Oh, and here's your phone," He hands me my phone. "Mom told me not to stay very long, if that's alright. Seems like you're doing fine anyway."

"Thanks," I say.

"Crazy stuff," Aahan says. "But I'm certain Terry has it under control. He's just like that, you know?"

Aahan slaps my shoulder and walks out with a goodbye. As soon as his car (truthfully, it's my mom's car) leaves the road I turn back to the counter to stare at the knife. Honestly, I'm not feeling nearly as confident as I was three minutes ago.

I take the knife in my hand and I close my eyes. "I want to be whisked away," I say out loud. I don't see anything, and for a moment nothing happens.

"I want to leave, I want to be smoke," I say. Still there is nothing. "Come on, man, I know you're in there. Let me talk to you." Still, and again, there is nothing.

I open my eyes. Everything is normal. Damn.

I step outside and close the door behind myself. Sure, I'm nervous. Hell, I'm shaking. But I have to do something. I can't stop thinking about Anna and Ryan. It's all my fault. Ugh. I feel awful.

Did Terry ever tell me not to leave the house? Ah, I can't remember. But he obviously was thinking it. I can't let them know I'm still alive... they'll finish the job if they ever find out. Aahan told me that Terry could handle things. He has faith in our sheriff. Ugh! Why don't I, too?

I rub the side of the knife with my fingers, pinching it and feeling its smooth cold surface. I mean, I can't just sit around and find out, right? It's my fault, it's all my fault. It was always my idea to push the buttons. I just can't leave them to fate.

God, this is so hard! I haven't moved for ten minutes, I've just been pacing around trying to build the courage to walk down to Christian street and do what I ought. Ugh!