✵ SWEETER THAN HONEY ― nikolai lantsov ✵

Yi

"It isn't that easy," I say quietly.

"Hm," she hums. "Think about it, Yi. You need to make peace."

She gives me a gentle pat on the shoulder before disappearing in the crowd of Grisha, her blue kefta blending in with all the others.

Despite my reluctance, somehow I do end up considering it.

As the twilight seeps in and the sky begins to turn violet, the Kingfisher, Nikolai's new ship, flies into the sky, sails billowing with the tiny colourful dots of the Grisha's keftas as they look down at us. I stay seated by the forest in a mini gazebo, staring at the bottom of my cup.

I'm not trying to be gloomy. I'm honestly exhausted, because, in truth, Zoya is right. I've been pushing myself to the limit, sparring and forcing myself to train whenever I think of Nikolai. It started off as a way to drag myself out of bed. 

His name appeared in my mind and I forced myself to make the bed.

His name appeared in my mind and I forced myself to throw out the rose he gave me.

His name appeared in my mind and I forced myself to take a sip of tea and read a book.

Then it was an obsession.

His name appeared in my mind and turned into hours sparring until I could barely feel my legs, turned into a day spent swimming in the frigid lake to let it wash away all thoughts.

I get to my feet and dispel the thoughts.

You need to make peace.

Zoya is right. The wound will never fully heal unless I end it on good terms, and somehow I have a feeling both of us need this. So I force myself one more time to make my way through the crowds, the sky blooming violet and bright.

After asking around, I'm told that Nikolai is somewhere by the lake.

I walk through the grass towards where the makeshift pier is located, where I suspect he'll be. As the greenery thickens and the sound of two voices fill my head, I'm wondering if this was a bad idea.

I decide that even if he's here with Alina, I'll push through and say what I need to, then leave them alone. So as I walk into the clearing, I tune in to their conversation.

"You know what I hate about you?" Alina is in the midst of asking.

I stop in my tracks. I shouldn't be listening, but somehow I know that right now isn't the correct time to interrupt their conversation.

"No," Nikolai states.

"You always say the right thing."

"And you hate that?"

"I've seen the way you change personas, Nikolai. You're always what everyone needs you to be. Maybe you never felt like you belonged, or maybe you're just saying that to make the poor, lonely orphan girl like you more."

"So do you like me?" Nikolai asks.

"Yes, when I don't want to stab you."

"It's a start."

"No, it isn't."

I walk through the plants to see them but stop. Their backs are turned to me, sitting by the edge of the pier, their boots discarded and trousers rolled up, legs dangling into the lake. The side of Alina's thigh is pressed against Nikolai's and they both stare out at the surface of the water.

Nikolai turns to look at Alina. "I'm a privateer, Alina," he says quietly. "I'll take whatever I can get."

I swallow and watch the two stare at each other for a long, long time.

Pull away, I will silently. Please don't. Please.

"I want to kiss you," Nikolai whispers.

Alina lets out a small, breathy laugh. "You already kissed me."

His lips tilt upwards and all I'm thinking is I never made him smile like that.

"I want to kiss you again," he corrects himself.

"Oh," Alina says.

Both of them keep their gazes interlocked like a scene straight from a movie, the violet and crimson skies illuminating the two, the water glittering behind them, their lips just barely inches apart.

Don't. Don't. Please.

"I want to kiss you," Nikolai repeats. "But I won't. Not until you're thinking of me instead of trying to forget him. Not until I'm thinking of you instead of her."

Alina jerks away from him and leaps to her feet, almost falling into the lake in her haste.

"Alina―" Nikolai starts.

"At least now I know you don't always say the right thing," she mutters, marching towards me to get off the pier. 

Her eyes widen when she sees me but she doesn't stop, quickly brushing past me and disappearing into the greenery towards where all the other Grisha are.

Nikolai, who has turned to watch her go, notices me.

His lips part in surprise. "Yi―"

I swallow and shake my head. For some reason, I'm not sad. Maybe I knew what to expect when I came here, or maybe I've finally gotten over Nikolai and his stupid games because instead of crying or screaming like I should, I turn around and walk away.

"Yi!" I hear him run after me.

I pick up the pace, but of course he easily keeps up in long, calm strides, looking unbothered by the fact that I'm trying to speed walk a marathon to avoid him while he does his everyday grandmother's stroll without a moment's hesitation.

"Yi, please, let me explain. I know how this looks, believe me, but―"

"Nikolai, please, for once just shut up," I say quietly. "You don't have to explain anything to me. It's been two months, and you have every right to go kiss whoever you want in this saintsforsaken place."

"I owe you an explanation," he protests.

"Yeah, but I don't want it," I snap.

"Well, I'm a gentleman, so I suppose I'll give it to you anyway," Nikolai tells me lamely.

"Oh, I'm just bursting with excitement to here why you were prepared to snog with Alina to your dream's content," I mutter with false enthusiasm.

"Please, Yi. Listen―"

I stop walking and he stumbles slightly. "I'm listening," I deadpan.

Nikolai lets out a long, heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair. His eyes look like amber crystals mixed with deep green leaves and copper pines in this lighting, and I hate it more than anything.

"I'm sorry. It was terribly wrong of me to discard you. I was busy, but it was no excuse for neglecting your feelings, Yi. And I've missed you." He searches my eyes. "I haven't been thinking straight recently―"

"Isn't that what you always do?" I bite out, but he pushes on.

"―And I can't stop thinking about you and how foolish it was of me to take you for granted. And I―I'm so incredibly sorry, Yi. I love you, which I'm certain is quite uncharacteristic for someone like me, but I'm still hoping that maybe, maybe. . ." He closes his eyes for a moment and I'm almost sorry to see those hazel irises disappear.

"I'm hoping that―" His throat bobs as he swallows. "And I'm hoping that maybe you'll love me too. After all of this."

I blink.

And I blink again.

"Nikolai. . ." I whisper, studying the perfect planes of his face, his golden blond eyelashes and those hazel eyes.

And then I see a falcon swooping down, talons bared, ready to slash Nikolai's head.

My eyes widen.

"Get down," I say.

"Wha―"

I tackle him and we both go rolling into the trees.