White Lies (Book 1)

Chapter 30

"Of course," I muttered back, a little too bitingly.

He was quick to pick up on it. "Hey, don't think that," he refuted quickly, grabbing hold of my hand. He weaved our fingers together as reassurance. "I'm not that person anymore. I can only apologize for being that person in the past. I thought it was... how I needed to be." He looked away, wanting to hide his face. "I thought it was the only way that I could be with a woman. I was wrong."

The womanizing, the romancing of women for short-term gratification, only to cast them aside afterwards – that's what had been modelled to him. And despite his best efforts to resist his father's influence, that's what had stuck. The shadow of his father always seemed to loom over him, in his mind's eye. I imagined it looming over him then. It broke my heart.

The truth was finding its way easily to me, these days. I now found it as seamless and comforting to say the truth out loud as lying had once seemed. Looking at Nathan now, I knew. I couldn't lie to him anymore, even if I had to.

Stop.

There it was again. A painful squeeze around my throat, seizing and tightening, then vanishing. It was guilt.

Swallowing it down, I held his chin in my hand and gently turned his face towards mine. The guilt in his eyes now echoed my own. "Nathan," I began, "listen to me. I've known bad people. And despite what Bryndle or what anyone else may think, you're not a bad person. You're certainly not at the mercy of all the terrible, shitty people in your life. You're intelligent, keenly self-aware, and you're able to take back your agency when it's lost. That's all anybody can do. I can't think less of you because of the past. I won't. You are pure goodness personified."

And I love you.

My words had clearly meant something, had enacted some internal shift. Nathan's eyes shone with unspoken emotion. He nodded, seemingly speechless – he then turned his head to press a slow, grateful kiss against the palm of my hand.

I blushed and hoped he couldn't see it. It was beginning to grow darker, and God knows what my mother would think of me coming home at this time of night. On a school night, no less. Breaking into the gym and snooping around Noah's locker had taken up a large chunk of time.

I slumped back into my seat, feeling drained in the best way possible. "Wow. What a day, huh?"

When I looked back at him, he was smiling. "Big day? No shit. You verbally annihilated one of my ex flings and stuck your tongue down my throat. I could die a happy man."

Did I really do that? At any moment, I knew the after-glow of the day's adrenaline would fade and the reality of what I'd done would come crashing back to me.

He laughed lightly at my expression, placing a warm hand on my knee. Today was one of those rare days when I chose to wear a skirt.

"Don't worry, angel," he said, and the affectionate nickname sent a jolt through me. "Please feel free to stick your tongue down my throat as often as you please. It's always a nice surprise, and I'll never turn you down. Besides, who on Earth taught you to kiss like that?"

I flushed a deep red. "You did."

Jesus. If I could just stop blurting out the truth, it would make this unexpected turn in conversation much more bearable.

Nate hadn't expected that answer – he now stared at me, stunned and disbelieving.

"Serious?" he exclaimed. "So that means I was your—"

"First kiss," I finished his sentence lamely. My non-existent love life was smacking me in the face, looking pathetic and sad. "And my first time. My first everything."