The Queen's Secret

V - The Princess

(129 AC)

The wind lashed the ship's sails harshly. Princess Rhaenyra stood at the railing and looked out over the moonlit sea. The way back to Dragonstone seemed all the longer this night. While her family members were already resting in their bunks, the princess' thoughts were still driving her around like the wind drove the waves. No wonder after such a turbulent day. How narrowly they had all escaped a final rift - and all because her father had mustered the last reserves of his strength for her. The thought brought tears to her eyes. A lot had been difficult between them in recent years - more than difficult, even catastrophic. But one fact she could be sure of: Viserys gave his last for her. He had always loved Rhaenyra.

The scar on her left arm shimmered whitish against the rest of her skin. The moonlight shone down on it as if it wanted Rhaenyra to look at it. Alicent's mark. How ironic that she should forever bear her mark, forcibly carved into her flesh. Her fingertip traced the line.

At dinner a few hours ago, there had been a moment that had reminded her of the Alicent she had once known. Before she had become the grim woman who then bullied Rhaenyra for years. Alicent had taken her hand. She caressed it with her thumb like she meant well. Like a sign of care. And feeling her touch, Rhaenyra saw the image of the gentle girl of her youth. Warmth spoke from the dark eyes of the queen. No distrust, no revulsion... Was it possible that things could become similar to how they used to be?

How they used to be... Rhaenyra chuckled weakly and resignedly. What did she mean? How they used to be, before Alicent discovered the color green at Rhaenyra's wedding to Laenor? Like a silent declaration of war. Or before Alicent secretly met her father and worked on the plan to become the new queen? Or did she mean that time, when Alicent was like the only person in the world for Rhaenyra? That time, when they did not only share every secret but even kisses. Those memories were so far away and so clouded by all that was to follow - Rhaenyra almost wondered if she had made it all up. That the woman who had treated her with nothing but hostility for so many years should have given her her first kiss was almost unimaginable.

How could they lose each other like that?

When Alicent rejected her as she tried to get closer to her again - surely, that had hurt Rhaenyra. It was a small stab in the heart, a disappointment as her friend didn't seem to feel the same way she did. The refusal had made Rhaenyra think. A lady like Alicent, honest and dutiful, shy and virtuous - what did she expected from her? Rhaenyra had startled the deer - and it had run away. Maybe she should have tamed it more gently...

The princess groaned, tired of her own thoughts. What was it about this woman that such a small touch was enough to put these thoughts in Rhaenyra's head again?! She had left it all behind decades ago. Because even back then she had realized: whatever she was looking for, she was looking in the wrong place with Alicent. No matter how much Rhaenyra craved it, Alicent wasn't going to give it to her.

Over the years, Rhaenyra had wondered time and time again if that was why she had never tried to get close to another woman again. Everything had been so much easier for her with men. There had been some hide-and-seek there, too - but Rhaenyra got what she asked for. No one broke her heart... Her experience with Alicent, on the other hand - it was as if a whole chapter had ended for her at once. Slammed the book on the shelf to let it gather dust. Rhaenyra didn't want to touch it anymore. Nothing but vague memories of something that was never meant to be... It was probably self-protection.

But that was not the reason the two finally lost each other. Deeper than the pain of rejection was the pain that Alicent had inflicted on her afterwards. Much deeper even than this warning scar on her arm. The memory of the council meeting and her father's announcement that he would marry Alicent was so clear and detailed in her mind. Like a part of her was still there today...